My Life

Exciting News Alert

In the midst of a pandemic, I found myself working, sleeping, and social distancing, with the exception of one person I would see outside of my household. I know, shame on me. That’s besides the point. My point is that all the signs were there, but I was not looking for them. I peed on a stick for clarity and peace of mind. I was not even late yet, but something told me to check. My coworker encouraged me to check. You could say it was my location’s bonding activity. After checking, I wouldn’t have to worry about if I was or if I wasn’t. I would instantly know. That was the ideology among us.

I always figured I’d be a single mom because I saw how society was growing up. I noticed how there were many depictions of single moms in the media. I have seen friends or classmates more often closer to their mothers and with less interactions with their fathers. I’ve seen how men treated strangers, and saw them with my friends and I. And because of these initial thoughts and depictions, I was always prepared to go through the process with or without the baby’s “father” by my side. The idea of me having a baby in my mind had always existed, regardless of if I had a husband or boyfriend there by my side. That never mattered for me because I always wanted to be a mother more than a wife. Maybe the baby dolls targeted to girls impacted me too much. I actually had one that would eat gloop and shit it out so you’d have to change its diaper.

With all that being said, fast forwarding, I saw two lines on the stick. It was an earth shattering moment. It is safe to say deep down I knew. As I said, the signs were there. Instead of freaking out while waiting for the results, I was calm. I was trying to convince myself of all the reasons why I couldn’t be pregnant. I believe I reacted this way because deep down I knew. And still I was in shock when I found out. I cried and took some more tests and cried more. I tried not to freak out. I freaked out. And I told the people around me. It was too much to comprehend on my own.

I struggled with a decision for months. It took weeks for me to fully believe I was pregnant. Even though deep down I knew what was right for me, at that point in time I was hesitant. I wondered if I was really ready, wondered if I was doing right by the baby by continuing the pregnancy, wondered if I was doing right by the guy. I thought about what it would mean for my future and what it meant for my present. I thought about where I would live and all of the support graciously thrown my way. I was stressed to tell people and stressed about the thought of having to explain myself.

It’s easy to say how you will react to a situation when you’re not in it. It’s easy to say you want a baby when you see a cute video or when there are babies around you. It’s easy to say you’ll get an abortion if you got pregnant before a certain time in your life. Its easy to say you’d never get an abortion. It’s easy to say you’d keep or wouldn’t keep the baby in an unplanned pregnancy when it is just a thought. The mindset is different for every woman.

Before I found out I was pregnant, I thought I would get an abortion. But when it actually happened, I didn’t jump at either option. For me, it felt like either choice would change my life. It was the first time a test actually said positive. The fact that I always wanted kids and to be a mom followed me. The fact that I never saw myself having kids conventionally stayed with me. The worry of regret haunted me. An abortion didn’t seem like something I could emotionally handle when I’ve always wanted a family of my own. I kept wondering what if I never get pregnant again and what if I never have this amount of support again.

I decided to continue with the pregnancy because of the timing of things. A five year chapter of my life was coming to an end. I was months away from securing a degree. I knew and was reminded of all of the support I had. My parents told me they would help me in every way regardless of the choice that was mine to make. I felt like out of any time to change my life, what better time then when my life was already heading towards change.

I also believe everything happens for a reason, whether philosophical or spiritual or not. And yes, there are reasons as to why I got pregnant. Still getting pregnant isn’t exactly easily. And because I am in a time in my life I feel I can amend to add a baby, it felt like it happened for a reason. I had always felt like I met that guy for a reason. I believe the universe, God, or whatever you want to call it, would not lead me astray. If this pregnancy was meant for me now, I’d continue through okay and deliver a healthy baby. And if it wasn’t meant for me and it just happened, I believed and still believe I’ll miscarry. I have faith in the universe mainly because I couldn’t manage without it. Nothing is random to me.

This pregnancy journey has been a ride, which I’ll explain more in another post. And though I made the choice to continue with this pregnancy, it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have the choice later in my life to end a pregnancy if I see fit. It doesn’t mean women should lose the choice to terminate pregnancy, whether it be their first or second or hundredth. It doesn’t mean anyone should feel bad for having an abortion. Pregnancy is a whole lot and people with uteruses should be able to choose for themselves to keep or end a pregnancy. I decided to continue with this pregnancy and even though I’ll technically be a single mom, I won’t be alone in the slightest.

Food For Thought My Life

Let’s talk about: Fate

In the past couple of years, my life has been coming full circle. Doors that were closing and opening that didn’t make sense in the moment began making sense with time upon self reflection and conversations with others. Within the past four or five years, I have had various thoughts of, “Well if this didn’t happen, this wouldn’t have happened,” or “It’s a good thing this didn’t happen because, knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t have been able to execute or appreciate it.” It really can be a blessing when we don’t get what we think we want. This sort of realization has helped me become more confident and secure in my decisions. It has further affirmed my belief in the universe and that almost everything, if not everything, happens for a reason.

First, I want to emphasize that I say almost everything because few things are accurate and applicable 100% of the time. I also want to add that the reason some things occur may not always have a spiritual, philosophical, or deeper meaning attached to it. Sometimes you really are in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sometimes you make a disadvantageous choice. Some people take advantage. Sometimes the reason for an event occurring has nothing to do with you and is instead a consequence of someone else’s actions. However, I do believe in some version of fate or destiny. I believe that some occurrences just happen to align perfectly, whether for a higher purpose or the purpose we assign ourselves. 

Fate is defined by Google as “a development of events beyond a person’s control.” I see fate more as a destination one can end up experiencing and passing by than a driving force that actively dabbles in our lives. Too many tragic events occur for me to feel comfortable saying every single thing that happens is justified because of fate for a higher purpose. I don’t believe people’s fates are sealed and can be unchanged. Free will, the idea that we can do whatever we want, is said to exist, though some think it’s an illusion. I think that we have free will because we are not consciously forced into every aspect of our lives. For the most part, day to day, we are theoretically free to choose what we eat, where we go, what we wear, and what we do. However, the options we have are are not vast because of societal norms and structures, because of our past decisions, and because of other people and their choices. I believe we are free to select a choice among the options we are given. Maybe the choice we choose is predetermined or inevitable, but theoretically, I think often times no higher entity is actively forcing us there.

So, with the idea that we have free will, we make numerous decisions throughout our lives, all of which have a multiple possibilities. The situations we fall in- where we are born, race, nationality, gender, income levels, our parents, growing up with whoever raises us etc.- and the choices we make lead us to each moment. To me, those series of events and each present moment set up potential for the next moment which has the potential for us to experience a moment of fate.

I see life as a path. I know cliche. But hear me out. You start at the beginning of the path when you are born. You are your own person; that’s why everyone has their own path. Choices are made for you and people influence you. Each major choice and situation that effects who you are, like what high school you attend and the people you encounter, create a new branch and direction for the path that you’re on. When you get older, you start making those bigger decisions regarding who you associate with and how to spend your time. Each of these decisions, including major life events, branches into different possible paths. Once you head down a certain direction on the path, you can’t turn around.

For example, I consider college a major life event. Choosing a major and attending college will inevitably jumpstart how the future will go. I had multiple options for where I wanted to go. That’s multiple branches on the path of life I could’ve chosen. I went towards the direction of school in Vegas, and even if I happened to transfer, I couldn’t take back what I experienced. I couldn’t turn around on the road I was already going down. I would’ve only been able to switch gears from there. The same is true of having a baby. All of the options about how to handle my pregnancy were different roads I could have taken. I chose the path I did.

We make choices and situations occur in the moment. Some of us have no true foresight about how the future will pan out, only a view of how we want it to go. The path you go down is the path you choose, whether consciously or through fault of your own or not.

It’s important to note that I don’t believe everything that happens in life is always or entirely our own fault. As I said, I don’t think fate is sealed. Things happen and we don’t have control over everything. For example, my skin tone and my body type are the way they are. I can’t wish my autoimmune disease or anxiety away. I was born into the family I was born into. Society is the way it is. Even though I could make choices to change my appearance, ease the symptoms regarding my health, or not be around my family, all those qualities about me will always have existed without my choosing. They are what they are. I can only choose how to cope, react, and move forward with them.

Also, we are all interconnected. Our life paths cross those of others daily. Some of the people we encounter can influence us negatively, leading us down a road with consequences we don’t want to experience. Some help guide us to where the universe or even where we want to end up. Some abruptly knock others off the entire path itself. We have the same effects on others as well. We can also hypothetically do whatever we want whenever we want. Nothing is stopping us from anything, except for ourselves and of course the measures we as a society put into place. To me, this could mean we make choices that take us longer to meet our various moments of fate. It means we may never experience a moment of fate.

Because of free will and the uncontrollable, it just makes sense to me that fate is a destination and that one can encounter different moments of fate. I see fate as moments in life that just align perfectly maybe through some guiding force. If you believe in “the one,” in “soulmates,” in having a purpose, or in things being meant to be of happening for a reason, then at least a little part of you believes in fate too.

Side note: I love talking about ideas and theories like this. If you want to talk more about it with me and share your view points, feel free to comment or message me!

My Life

What’s Goin’ On?

One of the main reasons I wanted to start a blog is because, for those who know me, I left Las Vegas and gave half-assed answers to why. It’s kind of a long story and I gave the simplified, underexaggerated version of the truth. I’m ready to tell the whole story to anyone who wants to know in a place I can refer people to. This will not be the focus of what I write about, though I may refer to it.

To start from the very beginning my sophomore year of college was not what I was expecting at all. Truth be told I had so much going on that I became depressed. The storm cloud that would keep me in bed majority of the time, kept me from doing anything including cleaning my room, only lightened when I came back to the Bay. The depression fueled by the stress of 21 credits turned to 19 when I dropped a class, 20-30 hour weeks in a job I didn’t want but kept from my fear of change and love of my coworkers, sorority requirements, due dates, and lack of sleep kept me missing in action a lot of time. To those who know me and then wondered why I rarely went out anymore, why I stayed even more quiet than I normally am, this is why. Something good came out of that though, I started watching and caught up with Game of Thrones. I swear to you, you’re missing out if you don’t watch it.

One day a light switched in my brain and I finally built the courage to reduce my hours at my job. When that led others to quit and when I got a new job, I quit too. By the time school was over a weight was lifted off my shoulders although I still had four classes waiting for me in summer. Music sounded different, days were brighter, but then there was a pain in my foot. I used RICE (rest, ice, compression, and elevation) and tried to continue with the new job that I was excited about. I went out when I could. Day by day walking got harder, the pain got worse, and I started limping. At some point I needed crutches to walk. I had just gotten myself out of depression. I wasn’t gonna let that stop me!

I went to a specialized doctor, but they were only there two times a week. Maybe a month into my job I had to get my shifts covered because standing and walking were becoming more and more unbearable. Eventually I lost the job because I couldn’t work that job on crutches. My doctor highly suggested I stayed off of it, writing me a note. I did not work there long enough to have to time off.

Side note: Here’s a huge thank you to my manager, Erin and my coworkers, especially Alex and Tyler. I don’t know if you guys are reading this but you guys held onto me and tried to help me out for as long as you could. Not a lot of people would do that and I am forever grateful.

I started only leaving my room for the doctor appointments, food, and to go to the airport if I was going home. Regardless, my mental health remained intact. About a month and a half from my first appointment, after X-Rays and MRIs, they diagnosed me, gave me steroids, and sent me to physical therapy. A month and a half after that my physical therapist suggested I go to the emergency room after suggesting an orthopedic. Even though my appointment was in two days he really believed I should go to the hospital.

I drove and limped my way inside, waited for my dad who was coming down anyway, got my 100th X-Ray and got the results. This whole process took about six hours, no exaggeration, wasting money and time especially since according to the staff, the X-Ray showed nothing. Of course I cried. I was annoyed and bitter as hell. My dad left the next day and the day after that I went to my orthopedic appointment alone. Imagine my surprise when he told me I broke my heel and I got a cast slapped on my foot. And you know how he discovered this? From the MRI I got a month and a half before. I was the most shook person on the planet.

By this point it was my third month not being able to walk correctly, and my second month needing crutches. I had worked on broken heel. I saw J.  Cole on a broken heel. I almost saw Kendrick Lamar on a broken heel. I went to physical therapy on a broken heel. I walked all over my damn broken heel! Like!!!! Hello??? I was made to feel like I was being dramatic, like it was all in my head and I was at fault. I could sense how me staying in, even walking so slow, rubbed my friends the wrong way and after that cast got slapped on it felt like I respectively flipped them all off, like yea ya’ll thought I was playin’ around, jokes on you.

The problem was this happened a week before school started and I lived off campus, up a flight of steps. It was hard enough getting up and down the stairs on two feet and crutches and suddenly I was forced to walk up with one foot and crutches? Even worse I felt the same pain happening in my right foot. I had been overcompensating for months and I was deeply concerned I had broken my other foot through it all. The next morning I couldn’t put weight on it without being in an extreme amount of pain. It was then I decided to sit the semester out to get better. I only had a couple days to figure out how I’d get to and around campus and how’d I’d get up and down the steps into my apartment. After still being in four classes, doing online counselor training, and working until I couldn’t, it was time to rest. My family invested in a wheelchair and after attempting to find the cause of it all, and failing, I returned home.

Fast forward about two months later here we are. I haven’t walked since; I’ve basically been on bed rest, especially since my muscles atrophied and my family works. I was going to take online classes but I honestly wasn’t feeling them. Instead I write, read, cling to social media, think a little too much, and binge TV. I went from a cast to a boot and back to a cast. I just got it off for good, hopefully, two weeks ago. I learned that the heel fracture was actually, maybe also, a slight Achilles tear as well as bone erosion. I start physical therapy in a week and hopefully will get to the cause of the problem sometime this week. I miss Vegas and my friends there so much. I miss my new apartment and my roommate and believe it or not I miss working. As of now my goal is to be back in January.

This experience has been a rollercoaster on my emotions. It has been the most challenging five months of my life. I had been so positive up until I got diagnosed. I was made to believe nothing was wrong even though in my gut I knew something wasn’t right. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have doubt that everything is okay every now and then but this feeling is usually accompanied with pain. Still, I’m doing well. It’s just a moment in my life and with time and action it will pass. This experience has taught me so much about myself and others and for that I’m grateful. Everything happens for a reason, right?