Optimistically Realistic

My new mantra

Life has lead me to expect a version of the worst. It’s not that I consider myself pessimistic, but I can wholeheartedly say there is very little that is worse than being super excited and ending up disappointed. Or than doing all the “right” things and coming up short. Or finally getting what you want, just to have it all taken away from you. This goes hand in hand with the fact that I’m annoyingly empathetic. Sometimes I may come across as not genuine. But the more you get to know me, the more you know that I mean every single heartwarming and encouraging thing I say, even if we aren’t best friends, even if I barely know you. This empathy makes me feel the need to try and fix everything, including things and people that don’t deserve the help or aren’t ready for it. My empathy and excitability leave me heartbroken when I think I finally made it on the right track just to realize I was wrong. Unfortunately, some things can’t be fixed. Unfortunately, you don’t always get what you hope or expect.

To cope with this, my new mantra is to be optimistically realistic. Positivity does wonders for your mindset and your mental health. I’m all here for supporting, promoting, and spreading positivity. But if you’re excitable and empathetic like me, if you’ve become adjusted to things not working out no matter how hard you try, being positive all the time can lead to let down after let down. I’ve broken my own heart one too many times by being super positive without considering the possibility that things don’t work out the way we hope all the time. Eventually I learned that sometimes things don’t work out and sometimes that has nothing to do with you.

Living life is essentially a series of your responses to the shit it constantly throws your way. Sometimes it feels like one of those games where the levels get harder and harder the farther along you get. Positivity sure does make it easier to push through each level, but it also has the potential to knock you down because you weren’t being realistic, leaving you unprepared to deal with the fallout and the possibility of another hardship. This might sound cynical as hell but let me give you a hypothetical example.

Let’s assume you like long walks on beach. So, you’re walking on a beach, the sun is shining, the sound of the waves is soothing. You’re humming to your favorite song, and are now wondering how life could get any better than this. And then out of nowhere it starts raining. That’s no big deal though because you like the rain and you were feeling a little dry as it is. So, you’re singing in the rain and the further along the beach you walk, the more the wind starts to pick up. It was tolerable at first, but soon becomes a problem because now you’re freezing your ass off and the sand’s sticking to your feet. You keep pushing through, and eventually the storm passes. The waves have calmed, and the sun is shining once again. Now you’re back on cloud 9. Once again nothing can phase you. Not much time passes until it starts to storm all over again, but this time the winds are a little stronger and the rain is a little heavier. You stay positive, telling yourself it’ll be over soon, knowing your strong enough to get through it all. You were right. You get yourself through it and once again return back on cloud 9, feeling justifiably untouchable and indestructible. And then it pours for the third time! The wind is so strong you can barely move forward. Each drop dampens your clothing so it’s clinging to your skin. You’re trekking your way along this damned beach, completely soaked from head to toe, shivering from the cold winds, wondering why in the hell you didn’t invest in some rain boots and a coat after the first storm.

Let me break this down. In the metaphor, the rain boots and the raincoat serve as the realistic portion of an optimistically realistic mindset. Yes, it was your positivity that got you through the pouring rain, but by being realistic and preparing for the possibility of a storm, you’re better prepared for when the next storm hits. You are being realistic by acknowledging that rain might or will happen again. But then you ask, “what if a storm never comes? Then I’m stuck carrying around those boots and jacket, bracing myself for the worst.” I feel what you’re saying. In a way, depending on how you use it, realism can hold you back. But let’s be honest. This is life we’re talking about. A hardship, similar to the storm, will come in some way, shape, or form into your life again. Life throws little challenges your way on daily basis whether you notice it or not. If you don’t notice it, you’re lucky.

By being realistic, I’m allowing myself room for the idea that not everything is sunshine and rainbows. Shit happens whether you brought it about or not. It happens even when you are a kind and innocent person who doesn’t deserve the pain life can bring. By being optimistic, I’m encouraging myself. I’m giving myself room to breathe and room to believe. Because sometimes things do work out. Sometimes you get the results you’re looking for. The problem with being overwhelmingly positive to me, is that it has the potential to take me higher and higher so that the day I get let down, I end up falling from a farther distance than I would’ve if I had thought realistically. That’s what tends to happen when you’re ridiculously excitable, reactive and empathetic. Don’t get me wrong; it is possible to reach the same levels of height by being realistic. Whether you do or don’t depends on how you use realism. See, by being optimistically realistic, I look at the whole scope of the situation instead of just what I want or hope to see. Being overwhelmingly optimistic can be blinding. Realism is my version of sunglasses.

A Simple Reminder

Honest Communication is Key

Communication is the most important aspect of any relationshipI know this is something most people know but even though it’s said often, based on my experiences and observations, I still can’t help but feel like people underestimate it. Don’t get me wrong, confrontation is hard. If I have a choice I prefer not opening up to talk about my feelings. I’d rather not point out when someone’s hurt me or makes me angry unless I know I will never be able to get over it. Most of the time I can. I’m the type of person that has to gain the nerve to speak from the heart in a face to face conversation and when I finally do, I have trouble finding the right words. Either that, or I can’t bring my thoughts to actually escape my mouth, even if I want to talk about it. Fortunately, I know why. Once you say something you can’t really take it back. Even worse you never know how they’ll respond.  More often then not people mean what they say, whether kind or disrespectful, it’s just a matter of if they meant to say it out loud, at the time, or not.  Even if you can get over someone’s harsh words, they’re hard to ignore. I avoid the drama unless I know it’ll be worth the stress. Communication is something I’m working on, especially because I learned the hard way that refusing to communicate has the potential to hurt you more than it hurts the other person.

The truth is, communication makes life easy; instead of playing guessing games, all your cards are face up on the table. So many problems are created just because no one wants to be bold enough to address them. Venting a problem is understandable but refusing to confront the people who consistently annoy you only adds more drama to your own life. If it bothers you enough to talk about it nonstop, you might as well confront the person directly, unless you’re trying to cut ties with them. That’s a whole ‘nother story. In an honest conversation you don’t have to worry about anyone bluffing. If you aren’t completely honest with your feelings, then you’re the one complicating things and potentially allowing your words to be misinterpreted. People, including me, are so afraid of being blunt, but beating around the bush also leaves more room for miscommunication. Being blunt doesn’t mean you have to be rude by the way. You can choose words that are one hundred percent open and honest, even if it is something the other does not want to hear, that aren’t unnecessarily harsh. Know that people who don’t understand your emotion-based perspective despite your explanation are most likely not trying to. Because emotions are natural, they are easy to sympathize and empathize with. Just because you understand doesn’t necessarily mean you agree.

People are egocentric in nature; it’s hard to not to be. Communicating your thoughts is so important because it serves as a release. You say what you have to say and in return get a different perspective to help you cope. Because we spend so much time thinking about ourselves and focusing on our own perspectives, we can often internalize the things people say and potentially twist them to be more detrimental than initially intended. In this way we hurt our own feelings, overanalyzing situations and taking what people say as jabs at our insecurities. I’m not saying that every mean thing said to you wasn’t meant to hurt you. People can be cruel. But sometimes people’s intentions are pure and we are the ones who misconstrue their actions or words because of our own insecurity. Being able to vocalize when someone’s words or actions hurt you can clear up any potential miscommunication. Also, no one’s a mind reader. It’s nice when people pick up on cues and know what you’re thinking or feeling before you say it out loud but it’s not fair to get upset when they don’t. Please understand there is no way for anyone to know what you don’t say. If that’s what you expect, you’re going to disappoint yourself.  Because of this, it is equally as important to reach out and check in on those you love every now and again. Not everyone is vocal; some people need a push in order to talk about what’s on their mind.

None of this applies solely to negative feelings. Feel free to compliment others. Tell those you love that you love them and why. Tell people how they’ve impacted your life, even if you think they wouldn’t care. Let them know you’re thinking about them. You only know what people tell you. Everything else is based on assumptions and observations. It can be pleasurable to know your role in other’s lives and be reminded that you are loved.

Remember, it’s just as important to listen as it is to talk. I feel like people forget communication is a two way deal. If you do all of the talking you’re alienating the other person and if you do all of the listening you’re neglecting your own thoughts and feelings. Again, this doesn’t mean you have to agree, just that you understand what they’re saying. Don’t be alarmed if the conversation ends negatively. The way someone communicates tells you a lot about them. This post going around reminded me that any relationship that ends because you expressed how you felt wasn’t destined to last. Don’t ignore the red flags people wave just because you want it to work out. If those actions continue after you’ve addressed them, then you know it is time to end the relationship, romantic or platonic. This includes having the same conversation over and over with the same exact outcome. Don’t allow yourself to be stuck in a circle. Love yourself and learn to walk away.

#TakeTheKnee

What it’s really about

We all know about football players kneeling during the national anthem. Months ago it was all over the news, CNN was debating over it, and even Trump had some words to say about it during one of his rallies. After that, it all blew up in a negative light. A simple protest got twisted into something it wasn’t about. The more I saw people complaining about it the madder I got. Trump put something out there and suddenly people were eating it up and reciting his words without wanting to understand.

For one, Colin Kaepernick started kneeling during preseason and even explained it had to do with police brutality and systematic barriers. The flag is supposed to represent justice and liberty, the land of the free, but that is not the reality for people of color living in America, for those who are oppressed and find themselves in various systematic traps. All over social media and all over the news, I saw people calling everyone who took the knee to protest these injustices disrespectful.  Kneeling during the national anthem, though it had to do with the symbolism of the flag, was never about disrespecting the American Flag and had absolutely nothing to do with troops who fight for our country. Instead, it was a criticism and a peaceful, silent protest about how our country operates by someone with a platform to reach millions of people. I refuse to believe Trump was clever enough to purposefully misdirect the conversation, but I wouldn’t put it past him to silence those speaking out. That’s something white nationalist and supremacists do well. I will confidentially say he did a damn good job of misinterpreting the conversation and spreading false information.

What really got to me was the hypocrisy and irony of it all. If we want to talk about disrespecting the flag, we should probably have a discussion about the way it is capitalized. If we want to talk about disrespecting our troops, we should probably have a discussion about the way America treats them after they’ve completed their service and returned back home. It is so ironic to me that as a country we preach freedom but essentially refuse those the right to protest by making it unnecessarily difficult to do so, even when it’s done quietly. Kaepernick had something to say, a conversation to start, and he used his voice to do so. It’s ridiculous that the conversation turned the way it did. After reading this, if you have a problem with kneeling during the national anthem, I hope you understand why. I’ve got a couple guesses.

Let’s Get Serious

Promoting Social Justice

Discrimination and oppression are serious problems in America’s history. With Trump being your president, others are made to feel safe in promoting these ideologies of hate and intolerance, supporting Confederate propaganda as if that’s a part of our history that we should be proud of. America is a society that consistently covers up any faults. It appears like the only people who seem to remember America’s shortcomings are the same ones who were and still are oppressed and discriminated against as a consequence of those faults. When people try to have a conversation about how they were and are being mistreated, about America’s problems in the past and present, others start to get hyper-reactive, shutting it down in a way where no one is allowed to have an open and honest conversation. People are so busy trying to distance themselves from wrongdoings and our history, as if that’ll give them some sort of deniable accountability, that they stop listening, walk away, and react without even being educated on the topic in the first place. They spout things they’ve only heard, that they cannot exactly back up or defend.

I used to hate talking about politics and social justice. At first discussing it made me uncomfortable, partly because I worried about learning people in my life, whether acquaintances or friends, discriminate through their beliefs and actions. If you’re for or against tax cuts, it doesn’t really matter to me. Yes I have my opinions but if yours are different that’s your prerogative. However, building a wall to keep people out, telling those immigrants to go home as if someone in your family wasn’t once an immigrant, attempting to control woman, killing black people unarmed in the streets, chanting All Lives Matter, and overall white supremacy; that shit affects people’s lives in an extreme way. Condoning and defending it is something I truly don’t and never will understand, no matter how hard I try.

Some of the most common explanations I have seen for the amount of racism, sexism and other discrimination cases are as follows:

  • It’s just increased as time goes on.
    • False. Because of technology we are able to record things and spread them online. We also live in a time where people seem to be more brave in making their stories known because in some cases people are starting to take action.
  • You can have your beliefs and I can have mine.
    • True, but saying you think apple pie is better than pumpkin pie or your belief or lack thereof in God are way less detrimental than saying you think an entire group of people is harmful for the country. By thinking this way, or supporting someone who does, you are ruining a countless number of lives physically, mentally, and emotionally solely based upon stereotypes and fear. That’s not okay and by thinking it is further proves you are in a place of privilege. Please re-evaluate your beliefs.
  • I’m just being honest.
    • If your beliefs surround the practicing of racism, sexism, and other forms of discrimination you have some serious self evaluation to do. Also, please educate yourself. I despise living in a world where I have to deal with others’ consequences of their own ignorance. Just saying.
  • You took it the wrong way.
    • Or, you said something out of pocket. Just because it was acceptable back in the day doesn’t mean and is actually more likely a testament to the fact it’s not okay to say now. If you don’t know, back in the day women couldn’t vote, Japanese people were forced into internment camps, and black people were property. I’d say some traditions and sayings aren’t meant to last.
  • This has nothing to do with race, sex, etc.
    • Maybe it does. Especially if it seems like an exception, especially if it has a history of repeating itself. People point these things out for a reason. Society does a brilliant job of taking jabs at groups and painting them in a certain light in a way you wouldn’t realize until you open your eyes to actually see it.

My biggest pet peeve when it comes to politics and social justice is the “sensitive” copout. People always complain “Those millennials are sensitive. People are so sensitive nowadays. Political correctness ruins jokes. Political correctness sucks.” etc. etc. It’s as if people put blame on other people rather than taking responsibility for their own actions. When stories come out of people’s lives being ruined for saying something racist, homophobic, sexist, etc. people continue to paint them as the victim instead of the perpetrator. Call me heartless, but I don’t feel bad that you received consequences for your actions. By turning a blind eye, you’re essentially telling them what they did is okay. If you see a little kid writing on the the wall with a crayon they’re going to keep writing until you tell them to stop and make it known that it’s not acceptable.

Social justice is something I am passionate about. In daily conversations, partly due to my shyness and partly to avoid being that loud, angry, political black girl, I’ve been known to hold my tongue. Plus, during the times I have pointed something out or given my own opinion, it is often overlooked. Because I started this blog and because it is something I think is super important, if I don’t discuss the injustices I have witnessed, heard about, or experienced I’ll be another person turning a blind eye. This is just my way of saying that I’ll be sharing my viewpoint on controversial topics. My goal is not to alienate and not to persuade, necessarily, but to educate on my perspective, whether different and similar to yours. In that way it will cause you to think about your own beliefs. I like debating  and I like to be educated so if I say something wrong or something you disagree with, let me know and we can discuss. It’s easy to use ignorance as an excuse so I’m here in the hopes to decrease my and other people’s ignorance. Politics and social justice affect everyone. If it is something that makes you uncomfortable, it is proof that it is not discussed openly enough. It serves as more of a reason to have a discussion about it; avoidance is never a beneficial solution.

 

What are you so afraid of?

Take a Chance, Make a Change

My biggest fear is the unknown. Yea, yea, that sounds fake deep but when I looked at all the things that scared me, that made me a little bit uncomfortable, I realized that was the common denominator. I like to have an idea of what I am getting myself into before I dive into it.  I analyze all my big decisions, from every angle I can think of. Yea, I’ll wake up at three in the morning and take a spontaneous trip to LA, but no, I won’t get that tattooed on me until I’m sure I’ll want it forever.

It doesn’t help that I’m a big believer that every choice you have made so far has inevitably led you to where you are now, from the people you associate yourself with, to the job you take, to where you live. This is one of my favorite theories: the butterfly effect. It states, “small things have greater effects.” I interpret this to mean that a decision made in the past has probably led to the present. Decisions made now have the potential to eventually lead to some moment in the future. The people you meet and the opportunities you take shape who you are, how you think, and may even connect you to future opportunities. Every once in a while it makes me wonder how my life would be different if I made different decisions earlier. It scares me not knowing if my choices will lead me to where I want to go. Not only that, change terrifies me because I’m not sure if I’ll enjoy the situation I’ve put myself in and the feelings that come with it. If I can’t cope with where I am, I’m stuck until I figure out my next step.

This mindset has tricked me to stick to what I’m familiar with. It’s helpful in some ways. Generally I know what I can tolerate and what will drive me crazy so if I know I won’t like something I can avoid the bad taste in my mouth. However, this way of thinking keeps me hesitant about doing new things, even if there is a chance that I’ll love it. Staying within the safety of my comfort zone, afraid of change, makes it difficult to let things go. It keeps me stuck in amazing memories and toxic and meaningless relationships, desperately trying to recreate the feelings I associate with them. My subconscious nature of holding on to things has even led me to keep a lot of pictures, memes, sayings, and songs, so many that I forget they even exist until I finally go to delete them.

My comfort zone is a warm and fuzzy place that never fails to make me happy. Still, a point in my life came where I was annoyed with how it was going. My comfort zone got old and I needed to face what I was afraid to, something new, something I hadn’t experienced before. The easiest way to get over your fear is also the most intimidating one; just get through it. Making changes is making me better off. It made me think about how much I put up with and how much I cling to that I don’t want or deserve just because I was too scared to change something. I still love being nostalgic but I stopped letting the nostalgia keep me tied down. I stopped holding on to relationships that served my life no purpose other than happy memories, let go of grudges that were stupid in the first place, and started clearing out contacts and pictures I didn’t need anymore.

By allowing myself to move on, I allowed myself to grow. Doing things outside of your comfort zone, outside of your routine, pushes the boundaries of what you think you can and can’t do, what you think you like, and what you think you’ll hate. Doing something different and uncomfortable is scary. The future is frightening, especially with the state of our country right now, especially if you feel like you’re on the wrong path or in the wrong major. However, dwelling in the past has never and will never affect your current situation. Staying in a hostile environment and surrounding yourself with people who make you feel less than you are, just because it’s what you’re used to, will only add more stress to your life. Living with aspects of your routine that no longer satisfy you will wear you out until you forget what it is like to be excited about life instead of tired, annoyed, and afraid.

This being said, shake things up in your routine and allow yourself to move forward. Figure out, what’s hindering you. What are you so afraid of? Don’t feel bad for getting rid of wasted space by letting go of things in your life that no longer make you happy and serve a purpose. Don’t worry so much about the future that you stick with what you know instead of going after what you want. Whatever you don’t know now, eventually you’ll figure out, but it may mean taking a chance and making a change.

Insecure as Hell

A short guide to self-love

Once upon a time I was the most insecure person I knew. I saw people around me who appeared to say and do whatever they wanted without a second thought. I dreamed of that, that no matter where I was or who I was with I could speak up when I had something to say. I could go out and dance and not care about how people perceived me. I could wear clothes that I loved and do my make up how I wanted and not care because I liked it.  I thought that one day I would wake up and be confident but nothing in life works like that. Like everything else, you have to put in effort in order to see results because nothing changes unless you change it. So I did. I’m not saying I’m not insecure anymore but my confidence and self love has boosted in ways I never thought they would.

It sounds simple but nothing in life is that easy. I had to figure out what my insecurity was linked to. What I found were things I could remember from my past that manifested their way into my present, from thinking I was a cute kid to thinking I wasn’t because of my weight and never really recovering, to being told I was being too loud by my friends one too many times. This turned me into a quiet little girl with a lack of confidence. Not only did I discover this but I constantly found myself comparing myself to others, wondering what it would be like if I had a different body, if I had different personality traits, if I wore my hair a different way, if my skin looked different, etc. etc.

A lesson I learned was that I am so used to myself I never recognized the things that make me unique. I got so used to who I am, I underappreciated myself. I considered that something I hated about myself someone else wish they had. The things about myself I was used to other people may find new and beautiful. I never thought about why I did the things I did; it was just who I was. It took a while for me to understand that things I did others wouldn’t and vice versa. When people would compliment me or tell me things about myself it always made me smile but I thought they were just saying something to be nice and I couldn’t understand why in the world they would think that. People tell you a lot of positive things about yourself you can learn from you just have to take it to heart.

It’s important to know that a lot of people are insecure about themselves, some of whom you never would’ve never guessed. You can’t always tell someone’s insecure just by looking at them. That being said it never hurts to hype people up, to compliment them on something about themselves or reach out when they make you feel a certain way. Like people say, something that doesn’t require a second thought may turn someone’s mood around, give them something beneficial to think about.

Your thoughts and your mindset can be your biggest strength or your biggest weakness. You have to catch yourself when you think something bad about yourself. You’re the only inside your head; you’re the only one who can stop yourself and turn the thought around before you start to take it seriously. Learn to compliment yourself on a daily basis. At first you may not believe it but one day you’ll realize you are right. Don’t be afraid to vent to others when you feel like you’re not enough. Holding everything in was my favorite coping mechanism until I realized it was ruining my life and my confidence. Your true friends will knock some damn sense into you. I guarantee you are selling yourself short and you are more stunning than you think. Anyone who thinks otherwise isn’t worth your time.

What’s Goin’ On?

Reason why I left Vegas

One of the main reasons I wanted to start a blog is because, for those who know me, I left Las Vegas and gave half-assed answers to why. It’s kind of a long story and I gave the simplified, underexaggerated version of the truth. I’m ready to tell the whole story to anyone who wants to know in a place I can refer people to. This will not be the focus of what I write about, though I may refer to it.

To start from the very beginning my sophomore year of college was not what I was expecting at all. Truth be told I had so much going on that I became depressed. The storm cloud that would keep me in bed majority of the time, kept me from doing anything including cleaning my room, only lightened when I came back to the Bay. The depression fueled by the stress of 21 credits turned to 19 when I dropped a class, 20-30 minutes hour weeks in a job I didn’t want but kept from my fear of change and love of my coworkers, sorority requirements, due dates, and lack of sleep kept me missing in action a lot of time. To those who know me and then wondered why I rarely went out anymore, why I stayed even more quiet than I normally am, this is why. Something good came out of that though, I started watching and caught up with Game of Thrones. I swear to you, you’re missing out if you don’t watch it.

One day a light switched in my brain and I finally built the courage to reduce my hours at my job. When that led others to quit and when I got a new job, I quit too. By the time school was over a weight was lifted off my shoulders although I still had four classes waiting for me in summer. Music sounded different, days were brighter, but then there was a pain in my foot. I used RICE, tried to continue with the new job that I was excited about. I went out when I could. Day by day walking got harder, the pain got worse, and I started limping. At some point I needed crutches to walk. I had just gotten myself out of depression; I wasn’t gonna let that stop me!

I went to a specialized doctor, but they were only there two times a week. Maybe a month into my job I had to get my shifts covered because standing and walking were becoming more and more unbearable. Eventually I lost the job because I couldn’t work on crutches; my doctor highly suggested I stayed off of it, writing me a note.

Side note: Here’s a huge thank you to my manager, Erin and my coworkers, especially Alex and Tyler. I don’t know if you guys are reading this but you guys held onto me and tried to help me out for as long as you could. Not a lot of people would do that and I am forever grateful.

I started only leaving my room for the doctor appointments, food, and to go to the airport if I was going home. Regardless, my mental health remained intact. About a month and a half from my first appointment, after X-Rays and MRIs, they diagnosed me, gave me steroids, and sent me to physical therapy. A month and a half after that my physical therapist suggested I go to the emergency room after suggesting an orthopedic. Even though my appointment was in two days he really believed I should go to the hospital.

I drove and limped my way inside, waited for my dad who was coming down anyway, got my 100th X-Ray and got the results. This whole process took about six hours, no exaggeration, wasting money and time especially since the X-Ray showed nothing. Of course I cried; I was annoyed and bitter as hell. My dad left the next day and the day after that I went to my orthopedic appointment. Imagine my surprise when he told me I broke my heel and I got a cast slapped on my foot. And you know how he discovered this? From the MRI I got a month and a half before. I was the most shook person on the planet.

By this point it was my third month not being able to walk correctly, and my second month needing crutches. I had worked on broken heel. I saw J Cole on a broken heel. I almost saw Kendrick on a broken heel. I went to physical therapy on a broken heel. I walked all over my damn broken heel! Like!!!! Hello??? I was made to feel like I was being dramatic, like it was all in my head and I was at fault. I could sense how me staying in, even walking so slow, rubbed my friends the wrong way and after that cast got slapped on it felt like I respectively flipped them all off, like yea ya’ll thought I was playin’ around, jokes on you.

The problem was this happened a week before school started and I lived off campus, up a flight of steps. It was hard enough getting up and down the stairs on two feet and crutches and suddenly I was forced to walk up with one foot and crutches? Even worse I felt the same pain happening in my right foot. I had been overcompensating for months and I was deeply concerned I had broken my other foot through it all. The next morning I couldn’t put weight on it without being in an extreme amount of pain. It was then I decided to sit the semester out to get better. I only had a couple days to figure out how I’d get to and around campus and how’d I’d get up and down the steps into my apartment. After still being in four classes, doing online counselor training, and working until I couldn’t, it was time to rest. My family invested in a wheelchair and after attempting to find the cause of it all, and failing, I returned home.

Fast forward about two months later here we are. I haven’t walked since; I’ve basically been on bed rest, especially since my muscles atrophied and my family works. I was going to take online classes but I honestly wasn’t feeling them. Instead I write, read, cling to my social media, think a little too much, and binge TV. I went from a cast to a boot and back to a cast. I just got it off for good, hopefully, two weeks ago. I learned that the heel fracture was actually, maybe also, a slight Achilles tear as well as bone erosion. I start physical therapy in a week and hopefully will get to the cause of the problem sometime this week. I miss Vegas and my friends there so much. I miss my new apartment and my roommate and believe it or not I miss working. As of now my goal is to be back in January.

This experience has been a rollercoaster on my emotions. It has been the most challenging five months of my life. I had been so positive up until I got diagnosed. I was made to believe nothing was wrong even though in my gut I knew something wasn’t right. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have doubt that everything is okay every now and then but this feeling is usually accompanied with pain. Still, I’m doing well. It’s just a moment in my life and with time and action it will pass. This experience has taught me so much about myself and others and for that I’m grateful. Everything happens for a reason, right?