What are you so afraid of?

Take a Chance, Make a Change

My biggest fear is the unknown. Yea, yea, that sounds fake deep but when I looked at all the things that scared me, that made me a little bit uncomfortable, I realized that was the common denominator. I like to have an idea of what I am getting myself into before I dive into it.  I analyze all my big decisions, from every angle I can think of. Yea, I’ll wake up at three in the morning and take a spontaneous trip to LA, but no, I won’t get that tattooed on me until I’m sure I’ll want it forever.

It doesn’t help that I’m a big believer that every choice you have made so far has inevitably led you to where you are now, from the people you associate yourself with, to the job you take, to where you live. This is one of my favorite theories: the butterfly effect. It states, “small things have greater effects.” I interpret this to mean that a decision made in the past has probably led to the present. Decisions made now have the potential to eventually lead to some moment in the future. The people you meet and the opportunities you take shape who you are, how you think, and may even connect you to future opportunities. Every once in a while it makes me wonder how my life would be different if I made different decisions earlier. It scares me not knowing if my choices will lead me to where I want to go. Not only that, change terrifies me because I’m not sure if I’ll enjoy the situation I’ve put myself in and the feelings that come with it. If I can’t cope with where I am, I’m stuck until I figure out my next step.

This mindset has tricked me to stick to what I’m familiar with. It’s helpful in some ways. Generally I know what I can tolerate and what will drive me crazy so if I know I won’t like something I can avoid the bad taste in my mouth. However, this way of thinking keeps me hesitant about doing new things, even if there is a chance that I’ll love it. Staying within the safety of my comfort zone, afraid of change, makes it difficult to let things go. It keeps me stuck in amazing memories and toxic and meaningless relationships, desperately trying to recreate the feelings I associate with them. My subconscious nature of holding on to things has even led me to keep a lot of pictures, memes, sayings, and songs, so many that I forget they even exist until I finally go to delete them.

My comfort zone is a warm and fuzzy place that never fails to make me happy. Still, a point in my life came where I was annoyed with how it was going. My comfort zone got old and I needed to face what I was afraid to, something new, something I hadn’t experienced before. The easiest way to get over your fear is also the most intimidating one; just get through it. Making changes is making me better off. It made me think about how much I put up with and how much I cling to that I don’t want or deserve just because I was too scared to change something. I still love being nostalgic but I stopped letting the nostalgia keep me tied down. I stopped holding on to relationships that served my life no purpose other than happy memories, let go of grudges that were stupid in the first place, and started clearing out contacts and pictures I didn’t need anymore.

By allowing myself to move on, I allowed myself to grow. Doing things outside of your comfort zone, outside of your routine, pushes the boundaries of what you think you can and can’t do, what you think you like, and what you think you’ll hate. Doing something different and uncomfortable is scary. The future is frightening, especially with the state of our country right now, especially if you feel like you’re on the wrong path or in the wrong major. However, dwelling in the past has never and will never affect your current situation. Staying in a hostile environment and surrounding yourself with people who make you feel less than you are, just because it’s what you’re used to, will only add more stress to your life. Living with aspects of your routine that no longer satisfy you will wear you out until you forget what it is like to be excited about life instead of tired, annoyed, and afraid.

This being said, shake things up in your routine and allow yourself to move forward. Figure out, what’s hindering you. What are you so afraid of? Don’t feel bad for getting rid of wasted space by letting go of things in your life that no longer make you happy and serve a purpose. Don’t worry so much about the future that you stick with what you know instead of going after what you want. Whatever you don’t know now, eventually you’ll figure out, but it may mean taking a chance and making a change.

Insecure as Hell

A short guide to self-love

Once upon a time I was the most insecure person I knew. I saw people around me who appeared to say and do whatever they wanted without a second thought. I dreamed of that, that no matter where I was or who I was with I could speak up when I had something to say. I could go out and dance and not care about how people perceived me. I could wear clothes that I loved and do my make up how I wanted and not care because I liked it.  I thought that one day I would wake up and be confident but nothing in life works like that. Like everything else, you have to put in effort in order to see results because nothing changes unless you change it. So I did. I’m not saying I’m not insecure anymore but my confidence and self love has boosted in ways I never thought they would.

It sounds simple but nothing in life is that easy. I had to figure out what my insecurity was linked to. What I found were things I could remember from my past that manifested their way into my present, from thinking I was a cute kid to thinking I wasn’t because of my weight and never really recovering, to being told I was being too loud by my friends one too many times. This turned me into a quiet little girl with a lack of confidence. Not only did I discover this but I constantly found myself comparing myself to others, wondering what it would be like if I had a different body, if I had different personality traits, if I wore my hair a different way, if my skin looked different, etc. etc.

A lesson I learned was that I am so used to myself I never recognized the things that make me unique. I got so used to who I am, I underappreciated myself. I considered that something I hated about myself someone else wish they had. The things about myself I was used to other people may find new and beautiful. I never thought about why I did the things I did; it was just who I was. It took a while for me to understand that things I did others wouldn’t and vice versa. When people would compliment me or tell me things about myself it always made me smile but I thought they were just saying something to be nice and I couldn’t understand why in the world they would think that. People tell you a lot of positive things about yourself you can learn from you just have to take it to heart.

It’s important to know that unfortunately a lot of people are insecure about themselves, some of whom I never would’ve never guessed. You can’t always tell someone’s insecure just by looking at them. That being said it never hurts to hype people up, to compliment them on something about themselves or reach out when they make you feel a certain way. Like people say, something that doesn’t require a second thought may turn someone’s mood around, give them something beneficial to think about.

Your thoughts and your mindset can be your biggest strength or your biggest weakness. You have to catch yourself when you think something bad about yourself. You’re the only inside your head; you’re the only one who can stop yourself and turn the thought around before you start to take it seriously. Learn to compliment yourself on a daily basis. At first you may not believe it but one day you’ll realize you are right. Don’t be afraid to vent to others when you feel like you’re not enough. Holding everything in was my favorite coping mechanism until I realized it was ruining my life and my confidence. Your true friends will knock some damn sense into you. I guarantee you are selling yourself short and you are more stunning than you think. Anyone who thinks otherwise isn’t worth your time.