Especially with the internet and the times we live in, I think we, collectively, have fallen more into extremity and “all or nothing” thinking. Something is amazing or horrible. People are good or bad. Mothers are in heaven or in hell. Mothers are happy or miserable…

If you don’t know, singer Chappell Roan, went on a podcast a week or so ago, and since then, a few clips have gone viral. One of those clips was a discussion about if she’d ever want children and motherhood in general.

Yes. She said the mothers in her life are in hell and they’re not happy. I swear I’ve seen a clip myself where she even calls them miserable. And before anyone claims mothers are projecting, she did specify mothers because she was speaking about her friends who are mothers. I also think the “if it doesn’t apply, let it fly” mindset is disingenuous and people need to be corrected and called out in a world of opinions and misinformation.

Before I get into it, I want to say that I wholeheartedly believe in a person’s right to choose. I’m pro-abortion and pro- being childless by choice. I do feel like some people who live with these experiences and these choices overcompensate for these beliefs at times, in the same way they accuse those with children of doing.

Sometimes, people forget that it’s also okay to have children. They aren’t consistent with when they’re pro- and anti- choice and children. It’s “fuck them kids”, until CHIKA says those kids on her flight were annoying. It’s pro-choice until Condola decided she wanted to keep her baby on Insecure.

On one hand, I get it; having children is a societal pressure that shouldn’t be forced on anyone and in a way you’re rebelling against societal norms (maybe capitalism?) by not doing it. On the other hand, having children doesn’t unlock privileges the way that having money or being skinny or being light-skinned does. I say this to say and correct me if I’m wrong, that there aren’t, yet at least, any systemic consequences to choosing to be childless (never conceiving, abortion is another topic), but there actually can be systemic and societal challenges as a parent.

So back to what Chappell Roan said- I get what she meant. Parenting can be exhausting. It’s hard work. After having a baby, life is no longer just about your own wants and needs. Speaking as a mother, I’ve made choices I probably wouldn’t have made otherwise, since becoming a parent.

At the same time, I know she likes to pretend she doesn’t, but Chappell Roan has too big of a platform to speak so carelessly. (This hasn’t been the first time). While we may take away the root of her message, there can, are, and will be people who won’t.

There are and will be people who look down on and belittle their peers who are mothers and parents in their lives because they superficially believe that to be a mother means you also have to be in hell.

There can and will be people who will feel the need to weigh between venting to their supposed support systems about the reality of motherhood or sugarcoating their experiences to keep up appearances.

Take Roan’s platform, add in the judgment with which she claimed her friends were in hell because of motherhood, scoop out the nuance, and mix it together, and you have a PR situation on your hands.

I keep saying it, but it’s because I do get it. Not everyone wants to have kids and it’s valid. Having kids is as selfish as not having them, maybe even more if I’m being honest. And still, her comments rubbed me entirely the wrong way, because she simplified such a complex identity and reduced it down to hell, when it’s so much more and when there are so many social and systemic factors at play that can make it hell. She could’ve taken a moment to better highlight those realities and she didn’t.

Generally speaking, even without intersectionality, society, specifically in the US because that’s all I can speak on, is terrible to mothers. People are incredibly judgmental about parenting techniques and choices and incredibly judgmental about someone being a mother in general because being a mother is usually a choice you make. They criticize you if you take a trip or go out without your kid, and criticize you if you “make it your whole personality.” People don’t understand how your brain literally changes the first two years after giving birth and like to talk about how their friendships with mothers changed without considering their own roles in how and why those friendships changed.

Yet, people are becoming increasingly impatient with children in public spaces, which means you’re either isolated or you’re stared at in public when a kid acts like a kid.

Businesses don’t have necessary accommodations for their employees who are parents. We don’t have adequate parental leave as a country. We literally have a congressmen cancelling a whole week of session to lowkey discriminate against mothers. Children are expensive and costs of everything are rising. People who haven’t experienced having children don’t know the emotional and hormonal effects of being pregnant and having children, something you won’t even know yourself until you’re pregnant, regardless of how many pregnancies you’ve had.

And sure, maybe knowing all of this is why you’ve chosen not to have children. But why does that erase your ability to be empathetic to those who knew or suspected what it could be like and did it anyway with the hopes and the knowledge that the benefits would balance out and even significantly outweigh the hardships?

Aside from nuance, the singers comments lacked empathy. Instead of centering herself in the conversation, and keeping her inside thoughts inside or in a journal or with a therapist or in a group chat or even to those very friends she talked about, she projected onto a subset of a demographic in an unoriginal talking point from an outside perspective. She wasn’t the right messenger and the unintentional message in itself needed fine tuning.

If there’s anything I hate more than a lack of nuance, it’s a lack of empathy.

And I get it!!! Okay. She meant that parenting is hard. And it is.

Motherhood, parenthood, is stressful and it does alter what life looks like. You lose sleep and money, you’re always thinking about someone else, most of your time is accounted for, and every decision, from what to eat for dinner to when to go on trips to changing jobs to moving, etc., has extra layers that need to be sorted through before settling on a decision. You may have to make sacrifices and you may have to pretend you’re okay when you’re not.

But it’s also beautiful and inspiring and unique. Motherhood has taught me so much about myself and the world and other people. With motherhood, I experience how special parental love can be and I now know wholeheartedly what unconditional love is.

Sure, some days are really hard. Some days I get overstimulated, some days my four year old is defiant and stubborn, which is normal for her age. Some days, even with my overwhelming support, I’m stressed out. But even on those days, I laugh because she’s being silly, or hype her up when she’s dancing, feel proud when she’s learning, and am awe-struck that she exists.

Motherhood and parenthood is generally a range of emotions and feelings, and experiences that can never truly be understood unless you live through it yourself. And I’m not talking babysitting or nannying or teaching, because, while those are important jobs and you definitely learn a lot about children, it’s just not the same.

Chappell Roan, especially with her platform, shouldn’t have spoken on it the way that she did, without empathy and nuance. She didn’t say anything that hasn’t been said by mothers themselves and she could’ve said what she said in a more respectful way, without belittling and looking down on anyone’s experiences.

Now she genuinely has me wondering if venting about the hardships of motherhood will always be reduced down to hell and misery.