Categories
End of The Year

Creating Goals for 2023

Every year I talk about the lessons from the year, but I rarely if ever write about what I want out of next year and how to make goals for yourself.

Something I learned this year from a few different people off Tik Tok, is that we can’t go straight to climbing Mount Everest. We have to start small and take baby steps in order to stay consistent and achieve the climb. For some people, consistency looks different every day as well. The goal may be achieved but the way it is done is different than the day before. Our goals have to be realistic to ourselves and our lifestyles.

I’m impatient, so consistency and baby steps are hard for me. This year was proof though that completing parts of something or doing it here and there is better than nothing at all. This year I got closer to my salary goals by increasing my pay rate through each job. I started exercising again, averaging twice a week- even though that wasn’t my original goal. I attended a music event and left the state once, which I though wasn’t going to happen at all. I’ve spent some time with friends both with and without my daughter. I stopped journaling and couldn’t pick up meditating, which are two things I wanted to be consistent with. I also didn’t read as many books as I hoped to, nor have I written as much.

Next year, my goals will build upon the goals I set for last year. Some will need some tweaking to be achievable. Some goals will be new. I like to have to goals for different areas of my life. It is also something my life coach/therapist has encouraged me to do. Making goals in this way makes you make certain aspects of your life a priority. I was tasked with making goals for myself, for my career, and for my daughter. What areas of your life are you focusing on?

If you want to make resolutions for the new year, but have trouble with where to begin, you can start by looking at the big picture. For example, I have goals of making writing a bigger priority. After having this thought, to make it achievable, I need to break it down into smaller tasks. I can do this by posting more. You also need to be specific. How often is more? I can do this by posting once a week. The idea is daunting since I rarely post once a month. So maybe I change it to twice a month on the same day at the same time. This is a baby step, and once I can do this, I can up the stakes to make it a weekly task.

Being specific, being realistic, and taking action is key to achieving your goals and New Year resolutions. This falls in line with manifestation. To manifest anything, you have to be specific enough about what you’re looking for, really believe you can have it, and make steps for making it possible. You cannot meet someone new if you don’t put yourself out there or open yourself up to receive it. You cannot read note if you don’t pick up a book.

2023 feels like it’s going to be a great year. I hope it will be for me and you. Let’s work on making 2023 a great year.

Categories
End of The Year Self Love and Personal Growth

Lessons from 2022

It’s nearing the end of the year. If you’ve been with me for a while, you know I always use this time to think back on what the year was like for me and what I want out of the upcoming year.

2022 is the year my baby turned into a toddler. It’s the year I really accepted and embraced that living in Vegas and the freedom before motherhood is in the past. It’s the year I started therapy. It’s the year I’ve made steps to learn what I want out life. It’s the year I’ve made steps to learn what I no longer want to tolerate in my life. Here’s what this year has taught me so far.

Most People are Selfish

Because everyone is living their own individual life. Some people take their selfishnesses too far. Some people aren’t selfish enough. However, most people do things to serve their own interest. There’s nothing wrong with that because we are the only ones living our individual lives. The problem lies in how selfishness affects our actions and the way we treat other people.

Everyone Values Different Things

Seems obvious, but encountering this in our lives can be jarring. Some people value money, some family, some sleep, some wellness, some justice, some religious beliefs etc. Everyone values different things and that can tell you what they prioritize and explain why someone is the way they are. It can explain why people are willing to overlook certain characteristics or situations. Our values in comparison with another’s can be the reason we don’t get along with someone else. Our values and beliefs ultimately affect the bubble we find ourselves in and the media we consume. These values form when we are growing up from our family, caretakers, and society. They adjust as we get older and see the world for ourselves. They can change over time as our perspective changes.

Therapy and Growth is Uncomfortable

This year I started therapy/coaching and baabbyy. I never understood until this process why people say it can be uncomfortable and lonely. It’s made me notice patterns in my life. It’s forced me to understand my anxiety and my habits. It’s caused me to consider the people who are in my life and if I still want them there. Therapy has helped me be honest with myself. Therapy has helped me think about what I want and don’t want out of life. Therapy has helped me find ways to cope and embrace the way I am changing. It is not for everyone, but therapy only works to the level you are working it. You have to be honest and vulnerable in order to make breakthroughs, even if it is not right away.

Ego Can Get in the Way

An unhealthy ego can stop you from taking accountability. It can prevent you from communicating issues with people you care(d) about. An unhealthy ego causes you to be too selfish. It makes you over confident. It keeps you connected to people you no longer have an interest in or who no longer have an interest in you.

An unhealthy ego stops you from asking for help when you need it. It affects how vulnerable and prideful you are. An unhealthy ego gets in the way. We all have shadow sides. We all have egos. But not all of us recognize or can healthily navigate that side of ourselves. No one is perfect and even someone who is aware of their shadow side will still have moments when their shadow side takes the lead. Being self aware and learning that part of yourself can improve your life.

Know Your Strengths and Weaknesses

Imposter syndrome is so real. An inflated ego is so real. We all have characteristics we can work on and those we can thrive in. Know both sides of yourself. Your strengths can propel you to be who you want to be. Your weaknesses can teach you ways to heal yourself and then be turned into a strength.

Childhood and Generational Trauma

Everything is cyclical. How we were treated when we were young has a strong effect on who we become. Trauma does not always have to be a severe situation and the situation doesn’t have to occur to you directly for it to traumatize you. It is any jarring event that has happened to you or around you that has a lasting impact.

The interactions with our family lead to how we interact with other people. How our caretakers love us is how we love other people. That’s why part of parenting is leading by example. A common example of this is the transition of an adult who was spanked as a kid who doesn’t spank their kids because it led them to being fearful and unable to express emotions effectively. Childhood affects our inner child and can let us know how to help our inner child feel seen.

There are also studies that trauma lives in our DNA and this can be passed through generations. Hence generational trauma. There’s also the fact that we sometimes repeat the situations of those who raise us. The things our caretakers focused on when we were children we may inadvertently focus on when we have children. Because as we grow up, I feel like we either subconsciously become like our parents and caretakers or we make sure we’re the complete opposite of them.

Letting Go

I say this often. And every year I always forget. It is okay to let go of people and any environment or situation that no longer serves you. It is okay to let go of what something used to be. I’m not talking about not holding a grudge. I don’t think everyone and every situation deserves forgiveness. I mean, relationships, situations, our feelings, others feelings, they all change and that’s okay. Sometimes we miss what was and want to hold on to them. Sometimes letting go and letting things be, is for the best. It would be nice to be able to control everything. I have anxiety, trust me I know. It’s just not how life works. We have to let go.

Believing in Yourself & The Power of Manifestation

We can do what we believe we can. There’s nuance to this, such as financial means. These nuances can motivate us or limit what we can do. However, we can talk ourselves out of what we want, something attainable to our situation, by thinking we don’t deserve it, don’t want it, or can’t achieve it. You have to believe in yourself.

This leads to the power of manifestation. I believe words are powerful and manifesting is possible. You can have what you truly want by knowing and saying what it is, believing that you can have it, and taking steps towards achieving it.

Are the Vibes Right?

I believe that everything, including people, give off a level of energy. I believe thats why babies and animals are immediately drawn to or dislike certain people. It’s why you can feel a shift in the room when certain people walk in. Our bodies can pick up on other people’s energy towards us before our mind does. So if you every feel off and wonder why, ask yourself first if the vibes are right?

Pain is Painful

Pain is painful. Having a disease that causes chronic pain is numbing because we try not to focus on it. It affects our mood and temperament because our nerves are already suffering. It drains our energy because on top of the day to day, we’re trying to be patient and not focus on the pain. Our physical body is also being affected and trying to heal itself. Pain has altered my perspective. I have experienced being in a wheelchair and seeing how the world, at least in the US, doesn’t make inclusion a priority. I see the privilege of having perfect attendance. I realize how often I mask because admitting how much pain I’m in changes little. It makes me cherish and appreciative of the good days. Because you don’t realize how much you walk or sit until it hurts to do that.

Even if They Want To, They Might Not

I don’t like the phrase “if they wanted to, the would.” (If I said it before in a post, please disregard as I no longer feel like this). How many times have you said you wanted something, but made no effort towards achieving it? Or made a little effort but not enough to achieve it?

Sometimes people want something and go after it. Sometimes people say they are interested in having you in their life, but don’t meant it at all. However, we are all grown. We all have things going on. As someone who is in consistent pain, has a child, and has anxiety, I don’t always do what I want to do. I don’t have the energy or space to be present and put in the effort for others the way I wish I could be. I acknowledge that’s something I need to work on.

I also think “if they wanted to they would,” comes from a place of privilege. You also have to be able to acknowledge when they make effort, even if it isn’t in the way you want. (Like texting versus calling, interacting with your posts, sending letters versus doing nothing, supporting you). No one has to have patience with you and they’re allowed to want more. Still, people who truly care and have the space for inconsistency, will.

Use Your Sick and Vacation Hours

Your position will be up for replacement when you leave, even if you aren’t replaceable. Your managers might care about you, if you have that type of relationship, but they will create a paper trail and fire you without notice. Your job will rely on you to pick up the slack and do more work without raising your pay. They’ll knowingly or unknowingly take advantage of you. And in my case, they’ll try to get you to stay, then tell your new prospect not to hire you.

I say all this to say, use your sick and vacation hours. Don’t work for free. Try not to go above and beyond- just do what’s required. If you can help, don’t work for less than you deserve.

Personalities Changes Over Time

I was listening to the “Feel in the Blank” podcast and they were doing their personality tests. They pointed out that our personalities change over time. I used to think we change overtime, but our personalities stay the same which doesn’t make sense. Our personalities adapt to our environment and change the more we discover who we are. The same is true for other people. I’ve gone through periods where I was more extroverted and times where I was less direct. How has your personality changed?

Vulnerability is Hard

I feel like I’m on open book, but I don’t open up unless someone else leads in turning the pages. Like if someone asks, I’ll answer, but I’m not vulnerable enough to start the conversations. Vulnerability is something I have always struggled with because it’s hard to open yourself up to disappointment. It’s something I am still working on.

Speak Up

In your relationships, it is important to speak up if something is bothering you- if the relationship is worth saving. At your work environment, it is important to speak up if something isn’t serving you. If nothing changes, you can’t say it isn’t for lack of trying.

Intentions Matter

Someone’s intentions do not always negate their actions, but intentions do matter. If you’re unsure about anything really, speak up and communicate how you perceived it. Making assumptions is in my top three pet peeves. The best way to avoid assumptions is clear communication.

In 2022, I had covid twice. I’ve had numerous flare ups from my autoimmune disease. Ive had health scares. I’ve sobbed. I’ve laughed. I’ve connected with great people. I’ve listened to new music and discovered my interest in podcasts. I started therapy. I got a new job that paid more and taught me something new. I experienced a new year of parenting. I wasn’t sure what to expect in 2022 but I am genuinely excited for what 2023 will bring.

Categories
Food For Thought My Life Self Love and Personal Growth

Rest

Why is it hard to rest? Why is it hard for me to just sit still? I’ve been sick with covid for the past week and still feel some of its effects. Covid has exacerbated my auto immune disease by increasing the amount of inflammation in my body. Still, while feeling pain and weak and coughing up my lungs, I felt like I was doing something wrong by lying in bed. I didn’t allow myself to fully rest. I tricked myself into thinking I recovered, only to be drained by going into work prematurely. This led me to take today off to recover once again.

Is it the mom guilt? Is it my resistance to ask for help? I was quarantined to my room and I had to lean on my support system to take care of my daughter and me. I still do because I haven’t fully recovered from either sickness. Is it the need to feel productive? Society is quick to call people lazy before hearing their story. Plus, I’m in bed thinking of all the things I could be doing if I felt differently. Stuck worrying and anxious instead of embracing the time I get to myself which is rarity now that I am a mom.

It makes me think of what my life coach asked me in a different context. What would you tell your friend if they were in your situation? I would obviously tell them to rest. To give themselves some grace and allow their body to recover. So, why have I been treating myself, someone I love, differently? Why are we harder on ourselves? Why are our expectations higher? Why do we force ourselves to prove how strong and capable we are, when we could just not?

I could push through the fatigue and the pain and do the chores I’ve been putting off or do some work. However, in doing that I’m not allowing myself to rest and that prolongs the recovery process. On top of that, when we spend the time we could be resting worried about this, that, and the third, we aren’t truly resting because our mind is going. That takes energy. That is draining, especially if you’re running on caffeine and vibes. If you are in survival mode.

I, we, are deserving of rest without guilt. We are deserving of grace. Especially in this time amongst inflation, the rapid spread of diseases, and social and political unrest. Please note, that you don’t have to be feeling unwell or exhausted to be deserving of rest. By then, the rest is probably overdue.

I need to make a conscious effort to set aside time for myself to truly rest without worries and distractions. Do you?

Categories
Food For Thought My Life Self Love and Personal Growth

Turning a New Leaf

I’ve spent the months since covid first started two years ago, the months since I was pregnant, the months since I became a new mom, the months since I’ve graduated college, the months of entering adulthood, really the months of entering the “real world” moving back and forth between a headspace full of anxiousness and depressing thoughts and feeling at peace and confident with myself.

There have been, and probably will truthfully continue to be, days when I want to keep to myself. Days I overthink too much about everything. Days I worry about the ways of the world and the future for my daughter. Days I worry about my future. Days when I’m irritable and easily over simulated. Days when I feel like I’m not enough. Days when I feel alone.

But right now, in these few weeks, in this moment, something’s changed. Recently, I turned a new leaf because I finally have a therapist/coach, after two plus years of leaving that on my to-do list, to help me work through my baggage and to heal for both me and my daughter. Recently, I turned a new leaf, because I left the job that made me feel misunderstood, anxious, overworked, and under-appreciated. Recently, I turned a new leaf because my confidence boosted and I started to feel beautiful and more like myself again.

With me, feelings come in waves. And though right now, things are looking up, I recognize that one day, hopefully in the distant future, I’ll probably start feeling down again. So right now, I’m basking in the sun and embracing the wave of contentment, confidence, and appreciation. Appreciation for the people in my life who have stuck around and reached out to me, even when I’m not the easiest to talk to. Appreciation for my new job where I work longer hours but feel stable, uplifted, supported, and valued. Appreciation for my little girl who constantly manages to surprise me. Appreciation for my family who always helps me when I need it. Appreciation for my life and the little things I experience day by day.

I say all of this to say that even if things are horrible or at least feel horrible right now, it doesn’t mean it will always be. And even though we may not be the same and our situations might not be the same, it couldn’t hurt to remember life happens in stages and chapters. What we feel and experience today, we may not in a year, a month, a week, a day, or an hour. Though there are many factors of our life that are uncontrollable and there’s nuances to everything, sometimes situations or even our thoughts and feelings about said situations have to change for it to feel and be different.

Categories
Food For Thought My Life Political or Societal

The Complexities of Humans

Humans are complex. We are eager to learn and to be innovative. We are relatively self aware. We have a physical body, a curious mind, and a spiritual soul. Our minds have the capacity to store information and experience a wide range of emotions. We can problem solve with complex thinking and emotional understanding, not solely act out of instinct. There’s still a lot we have yet to discover or thoroughly understand about the human body and mind. But one thing’s for sure. Humans are alike and different. We’re all multifaceted, made up of a variety of characteristics and identities.

There are many factors, some chosen some not, who make us into the people we are. I read somewhere once that people are a combination of pieces of everyone they have met and connected with throughout their life. This makes sense when you consider that our brains try to mimic what we see. That’s why we yawn when we see someone else yawn. We pick up phrases and mindsets of the people we are around. Who we surround ourselves with impacts who we are.

Everyone we connect with whether in passing or in a deep relationship, romantic, platonic, familial, or otherwise, can leave lasting impacts on us. Some are subtle scratches, some are deep wounds that take time to heal. Those experiences teach us what it is we like, dislike, want, will accept, and will reject while shaping the way we understand the world and others.

On an individual basis, it can be hard to remember the complexities of humans. We interact with someone and use that as a basis for how we view them. We can fail to see that those moments are only a sliver of who the person is. (Sometimes the moments we have with others are misrepresentations and/or projections). It can be hard to see someone else as a whole person with a past and encounters that make them into who they are. It’s not for everyone to know everything about you, unless you choose for it to be, nor for you to know everything about everyone you encounter. It is something to keep in mind that can help if you have trouble taking things personally.

Just think about yourself for a second. Do you treat everyone in your life exactly the same? Has every person you’ve ever crossed paths with, even for a brief moment, experienced the same you as others do? I mean, that would be seemingly impossible because our moods and mindsets can change daily. Prior events lead to current moments which can lead to a variety of emotions.

For example, different people know different ways to make me laugh. Some people bring out the worst in me, others motivate me. Some are quick to ask me advice and vent about life. Some I can talk about reality tv and anime with. I talk about work with coworkers in a different way than I would a friend, just as I talk about motherhood differently to people who are mothers.

Everyone we connect with affects us differently, even if it feels similar to someone else. Everyone taps into different parts of us. No one has the same exact relationship with you, as you and they have with others, even if you know mutual people from the same environment. When you remember that, you remember that we all probably don’t treat everyone in the same way, and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

I saw a post on Twitter one day that asked, when did you start to see your parents as whole people a part from you. And now being a mom it’s something I think about every so often. It’s easy to forget parents experienced so much before their children get here, even if they had them young. Their encounters shape who they are which can shape who their children become and when those children have kids that cycle continues. But as a kid and growing up, it’s easy to only see them as parents. Even when parents speak on the past, their children weren’t there to experience it. Some parents go more in depth than others. Some are still healing from scars their children don’t even know about. And all of this would affect their treatment of their child.

And this isn’t just true about parents. It’s true about everyone we encounter. Everyone, even the most privileged, is going through shit, manageable or not, all the time. How we see others may not truly be who they are and vice versa. Someone being kind to you doesn’t mean they’re kind to others. Reacting poorly in one situation doesn’t automatically make someone a bad person. Sometimes we don’t understand the actions of others, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re wrong.

For example, a couple years ago when I was evidently depressed and just in the dumps about life, I didn’t want to do anything or be social. It turned people the wrong way when I would cancel going to an event to work instead. But the thing was, I didn’t mind working because if I had to do something I figured I might as well make money from it. It made me feel productive and distracted all while my brain could turn off. I didn’t feel the need to have to connect or be present at work like I would at a social gathering.

Inside out is one of my favorite Pixar movies. It deals with human emotion and the brain in a playful way as it relates to kids. One of the biggest take aways from the movie is that an event can bring about mixed emotions. Sometimes you’re going to be overwhelmed with emotions but it’s healthier to feel it out than to let it build up. Memories can bring about multiple emotions like happiness and sadness and jealousy and anger etc. All those feelings occur because of different reasons even though the event is the same. Perspective, man.

The same is true with people. We are one person who can do a range of different things. We can tell lies, perform acts of kindness, compliment or be mean to others, blow off the people we love, be closed off, insecure, etc. We can be amazing people who do or say bad things, even to ourselves, from time to time. And the reality is, it is up to other people to decide if they want to deal with us or not. Of course we can apologize, change and grow, but no one has to wait around for us to do so, just as we don’t have to wait for others.

So, what I’m trying to say is that we are complex and imperfect. We have flaws and bad days. We make mistakes. We have many characteristics and identities. Everyone gets a slightly different version of us and that doesn’t have to be a negative thing. We are a compilation of our experiences and the people we meet. We are alike and unique. We are forever changing.