I HAVE TO SAY…

TW: sepsis, depression,

If you’re tired of hearing about what I went through this year, please feel free to skip this post. I won’t be offended. Eventually, I’ll get to my takeaways from the year, as I have done in 2023, 2022, and 2021.

The end of 2023 and the first half of 2024 tested me in a way I have never been tested before. It is something I will always carry with me because of the imprints it left on me, in some ways for the better and others for the worse.

Now that I’m not in that space anymore, I can see undoubtedly how detached I was from life. How hopeless I felt and how much pain, physically and mentally, I was in. I see now how badly my spirit was destroyed by both the physical pain I was in and by walking on the tightrope of knowing something was wrong, but unsure of what.

Because developing severe sepsis and not knowing, thinking it was just my new way of life with my disease, meant I was warring with myself for not being strong enough and needing hours to gather the strength to do “simple” things, like getting up to go to the bathroom. Like showering, because I was scared of the shooting and burning pain I received due to an unknown abscess. Like getting into the bathtub, because I was too weak to lift myself in and out of, to the point where my legs were shaking uncontrollably. Like knowing I should eat but not having an appetite. Like isolating from people I wanted to see. Like not being fully present, even with myself when I was alone.

Because developing severe sepsis and not knowing, thinking it was just my new way of life with my disease, meant I was warring with myself for not being strong, for being depressed, when I was strong. I was actually being too strong. And though my stubbornness played a role in delaying getting me to the hospital, all the doctors I saw also excused all the symptoms I was experiencing and overlooked my pain. None of the experienced and educated people, meant to help you when you feel unwell, truly investigated.

There was something very wrong and as traumatic as it was to bleed out, to the point of almost passing out, and to have paramedics carry me onto a stretcher to take me to the hospital, who knows what would’ve happened if that hadn’t.

In 2023, I said I was walking on eggshells for 2024, and within the first few months, I landed in the hospital, dealing with more surgeries and pain and prodding, being woken up every few hours, and dealing with people in healthcare who didn’t have much empathy or sympathy for what I was experiencing, who in some ways, made my experience worse.

In 2024, I came home to my family relatively in tact, got my stitches out, familiarized myself with walking without a walker again, and slowly recovered and healed, though I still experienced a few flare ups and infections. Now, I’m in much less pain. Now I feel like myself. Now I feel present.

In 2024, I restarted my Masters program again, after having to drop it in the beginning of the year. In 2024, I began acclimating myself to life outside my home and my disease again, because I wasn’t feeling suffocated by my disease anymore. I left my house for non medical reasons for the first few times in a year. I just drove myself last week for a job interview for the first time in a year. I got comfortable moving again.

So what did I learn in 2024?

Investigate when something feels off.

But really listen to your body and your intuition. Stop pushing yourself through pain in the name of being strong and capable. Don’t normalize new symptoms.

Don’t take your care team at face value.

No matter how much you like your care team, don’t put all your trust in them. Sounds counterintuitive, but especially if you’re black and/or fat, push your doctors for answers and tests, and make sure the aftercare notes detail what actually happened or didn’t happen.

Rest is essential.

One thing the pandemic taught me (besides the government doesn’t care about you forreal), is that in the US, we move way too fast. This year reminded me to find moments to slow down. Find time to rest. Otherwise, it’ll be forced on you.

Working with others, as a quiet, Black, woman, is exhausting.

Next year, I’ll post a bigger post about this, but working with others as a quiet, Black, woman is exhausting. People are condescending, with and without realizing out. They simultaneously don’t listen, while expecting you to have all the answers. Then, get attitudes when you don’t want to be their friend. It’s annoying and fake and apart of life for us. It’s tiring to navigate and puts you in lose-lose situations sometimes.

There’s nothing wrong with asking for and accepting help.

Society conditions us to believe we’re better off alone and carrying burdens ourselves. Society conditions individuality and the belief that “handouts” make you inferior. Life experiences and our ego condition us to believe we don’t need anyone’s help. Unpack that. Ask for help. Accept help. Apply for aid. Help others when you can.

Present parents are resilient.

Because with everything I went through, I was still a mom. Because present parents can be going through hell and back, and still have to show up as a parent.

Propaganda works in mysterious ways.

It really is everywhere and it’s easy to fall into conditioned beliefs subtly if you’re not mindful about it, especially with social media platforms. Beliefs and mindsets don’t develop over time. It’s gradual and it typically begins with an idea that either seems well-intentioned or that doesn’t directly point towards a particular pipeline.

See: trad wives, anti-masking sentiments, “big backs”

Fatphobia kills.

A large post about this is overdue, but fatphobia leads to our health concerns not being taken seriously. It leads to people telling you in so many ways their biggest fear is to look like you. It leads to your gaining or losing weight always being a conversation piece. It leads to fighting harder to love yourself in a world where people think you should hate yourself.

Fatphobia is rampant and does wonders for capitalism. It’s why the “big back” trend isn’t just jokes; it’s normalizing laughing at bigger people and getting comfortable with using someone’s size as a punchline. Fatphobia leads to people making moral judgements about people’s health in a way that being skinny doesn’t, because society has convinced you it’s the only indicator that matters.

Fatphobia kills the vibe. It kills people.

Fatphobia is also rooted in racism. Look it up and unpack that.

Set, expand, and be firm in your boundaries.

My boundaries have shift and adjusted this year. I also have a better understanding of the type of people I want in my space and what I want in general. Setting boundaries, and expanding them when you realize new information, I think is key to being peaceful. The people meant for you will oblige and understand, not push them.

People be projecting.

And social media highlights it. Different things work for different people. Also, because social media leads to blanket statements, it lacks nuance, so people from different backgrounds may take different messages that could even be different than the intended message. It’s a mess.

It’s something to consider when you feel defensive or when people tell you something different than what you think, experience, or feel.

There’s levels to friendships.

Also an overdue post, but it’s beneficial to find people who align with you and who communicate with you when they have an issue with you. Friendships look different for everyone, so being friends with people think about it similarly can reduce conflict. I believe that not every friend will be everything to you, and each of your friendships can serve different purposes. However, at the core should be respect and an understanding. The people for you will understand you and hold space for you.

To take social media breaks.

Please. Social media creates unconscious feelings. Be mindful about how it affects you.

People are dumb (derogatory).

People are ignorant and uninformed. Hatred really runs that deep and it’s scary. Society as a whole are easily manipulated and aren’t self-aware enough to realize they’re not even in the tax bracket to be given breaks. Really riding and sucking a man who wants you to live to work, but weak so you can’t fight back.

Continuing on is uncomfortable.

This year, I had to find ways past my fear and anxiety and PTSD and start over. Relearn the motions of what life was like before. Continuing on, starting over, is a mind game, because at least for me, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. And though I do have to get another surgery, the last part of this year I rediscovered and created new parts of my self. I got to experience joy again and be present and I’m thankful.

This year, I learned a lot about myself and the world. What did you learn?