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Food For Thought life Self Love and Personal Growth

Grieving the Past

It’s recently occurred to me that I’ve been unknowingly grieving my old life before the pandemic started and before becoming a mom. Not because I want to go back and change anything, but because life changed so abruptly and seriously in multiple ways. I never felt like I had time to stop and reflect on it. I had one positive test, and I couldn’t stop throwing up. One positive test, and every smell or step at work depleted me. One positive test, and I couldn’t eat anything. Then, add a pandemic on top of the whole pregnancy thing. And then, add moving back to your hometown and finishing your last class of college alongside being pregnant in a pandemic. Life came at me fast.

So when I left college, I didn’t treat my departure as an ending, as if I was never coming back. I never said goodbye to anyone. I never got to look back and close that chapter of my life. I didn’t even get to cross the stage in a cap and gown to signify the end of my college career. I assumed I would get to go back because I had to get the rest of my items. I assumed I would be able to say goodbye and introduce my baby to everyone who touched my life. I assumed covid would be over by the time I gave birth. I assumed I had time to fully, mentally close that chapter of my life.

Time has told, all of those assumptions were wrong. I still haven’t been able to make it back, despite plans to go. Suddenly, I put a pause in my career and eventually went in a new direction. Suddenly, I was no longer a student. Suddenly, the dynamics of all the friendships and relationships I made, changed. Let’s be real. It has been two years since the start of the pandemic and we have all changed since it began.

Grieving is weird. I’m sure you’ve heard, it’s a five step process. It can occur out of thin air and last for ages. It’s not linear, meaning we can jump back and forth between the different stages. Most of the times I have heard or seen it, it has been associated with the death of a loved one. But that’s not the only time we grieve. When anything ends- a relationship, a career path, a life path, an idea or plan we are passionate about- we grieve. We may not experience every step, or experience it very deeply, but it’s still a grieving process.

I am starting to understand that my grief has been presenting as anxiety. I’ve looked back at my college years, and worried I wasn’t present or fun enough, worried I wasn’t vulnerable or expressive enough. I worried I didn’t show my appreciation or cherish the moment enough. I’ve cringed at stupid and embarrassing situations I’ve put myself in or reacted to. I’ve missed the community that comes with college life. The freedom of not having a kid. The times I spent with friends and coworkers, even the ones where our relationships have ended. I’ve missed the moments I wish I could relive again and again so I never forget the feeling.

And being nostalgic about those memories makes me nostalgic and existential in general because life changes and moves so fast and you don’t even realize it until you’re in the future. Like my daughter has met people I have known for ten or more years. It’s a trippy experience to realize how much time goes by. My baby is almost two years old! It’s already been two years since I graduated college, since I left Vegas, since I was pregnant, and it has just recently began to feel like Vegas is my past. And that’s what makes grieving and nostalgia so weird, because in that grief state (especially in my case which was mixed with a little postpartum, post grad, pandemic depression), time flies by but it doesn’t seem like we are moving with it.

A loss isn’t always a loss- it can be a good thing. And that makes grieving weird. Because grieving brings about feelings of nostalgia. It makes you reminisce about the past, even if you’re happy with your present and excited about your future. I grieve the simplicity of life in college and before. I reflect on who I was. Still, I think everything happened for me the way it should’ve. I think I needed to leave Vegas, and I wouldn’t have done it without a push.

Eventually, we stop grieving. Eventually, we catch up. Recently I turned a new leaf. And it was once I accepted where I am now, that I realized I hadn’t accepted it until then. Vegas was my past and now that I am no longer grieving, I can live in the present. I’m not who I was before the baby, the pandemic, and graduating college and other people aren’t the same either. Changing, growing, getting older, grieving, and reminiscing is all a part of life.

Categories
Food For Thought life Self Love and Personal Growth

Turning a New Leaf

I’ve spent the months since covid first started two years ago, the months since I was pregnant, the months since I became a new mom, the months since I’ve graduated college, the months of entering adulthood, really the months of entering the “real world” moving back and forth between a headspace full of anxiousness and depressing thoughts and feeling at peace and confident with myself.

There have been, and probably will truthfully continue to be, days when I want to keep to myself. Days I overthink too much about everything. Days I worry about the ways of the world and the future for my daughter. Days I worry about my future. Days when I’m irritable and easily over simulated. Days when I feel like I’m not enough. Days when I feel alone.

But right now, in these few weeks, in this moment, something’s changed. Recently, I turned a new leaf because I finally have a therapist/coach, after two plus years of leaving that on my to-do list, to help me work through my baggage and to heal for both me and my daughter. Recently, I turned a new leaf, because I left the job that made me feel misunderstood, anxious, overworked, and under-appreciated. Recently, I turned a new leaf because my confidence boosted and I started to feel beautiful and more like myself again.

With me, feelings come in waves. And though right now, things are looking up, I recognize that one day, hopefully in the distant future, I’ll probably start feeling down again. So right now, I’m basking in the sun and embracing the wave of contentment, confidence, and appreciation. Appreciation for the people in my life who have stuck around and reached out to me, even when I’m not the easiest to talk to. Appreciation for my new job where I work longer hours but feel stable, uplifted, supported, and valued. Appreciation for my little girl who constantly manages to surprise me. Appreciation for my family who always helps me when I need it. Appreciation for my life and the little things I experience day by day.

I say all of this to say that even if things are horrible or at least feel horrible right now, it doesn’t mean it will always be. And even though we may not be the same and our situations might not be the same, it couldn’t hurt to remember life happens in stages and chapters. What we feel and experience today, we may not in a year, a month, a week, a day, or an hour. Though there are many factors of our life that are uncontrollable and there’s nuances to everything, sometimes situations or even our thoughts and feelings about said situations have to change for it to feel and be different.

Categories
life Pregnancy

Let’s Talk About: Childbirth

After a long 39 weeks, I finally welcomed my baby girl into the world. For the sake of the transparency that I offer on my blog about topics I discuss, here’s what I have to say about childbirth, based on my experience.

For some reason I haven’t thoroughly researched, there’s discourse surrounding the way people give birth. I think generally speaking it doesn’t matter which way a person gives birth. It should be a choice made by the pregnant person. No one should be shamed for the way they give birth. It’s divisive for no reason.

There are benefits to both vaginal birth and c-sections. I wouldn’t say one is easier than the other; each one brings about its own risks and effects. Some are shamed for choosing to have a c section as if it’s not a “real” birth. Some are shamed for using pain medication during a vaginal birth. I find all of the discourse arbitrary. All I advise is you research both options and the use of pain medication as thoroughly as you can, talk to your doctor about your concerns, and make a decision from there.

To put it bluntly, childbirth isn’t easy. A pregnant body is able to change to carry a baby and deliver it, but that doesn’t make it easier or less painful. People downplay the dangers and pain that come with childbirth because there’s a beautiful outcome. Your brain also releases chemicals to make you forgot just how awful the experience was. I was asked by some friends how I rate the overall pregnancy and childbirth experience. I rate it a 2/10. It wasn’t fun for me at all, but I also shockingly would do it all again. I look at my daughter and would repeat it all again in a heartbeat.

If you don’t know by now, I’m not going to sugarcoat my thoughts or experience surrounding pregnancy and childbirth. If you’re looking for something to ease your mind surrounding this, don’t keep reading. Look somewhere else. I’m not saying this to be intimidating. Everyone’s experiences are different and there’s no point in psyching yourself out based on my own experience when you’re looking for comfort.

To me, childbirth is a trauma regardless of the way you deliver your baby. Vaginal birth comes with hours of labor and contractions and hours of pushing a six pound baby out of your vagina. For the people who do it without pain medication, I salute you, cause that could not be me. C-sections are quicker and less painful in terms of the initial delivery, but have other effects that don’t make it any less painful of a process.

I haven’t heard many people’s experiences with childbirth. Because of this, I will share mine. There shouldn’t be a mystery surrounding childbirth and pregnancy. I wholeheartedly believe it needs to be discussed with more authenticity. I think the reason it isn’t is so people don’t get turned off of having kids.

I got a C-section because of my autoimmune disease, but if I had a real choice, I would probably still choose a C-section. The idea of vaginal birth is too traumatizing to me; it scares me, especially when considering the tears that you can experience alongside of the delivery. The C-section I got was also traumatic in a different way though, so you really just need to pick what’s best for you and your situation and know that the pain and discomfort is temporary. The end will all be worth it.

My C-section was scheduled. The date was chosen by my Obgyn based on my due date. I researched what I could to have some sort of understanding about what I was going to experience, but stopped when I realized it was making me more anxious. I couldn’t eat when I woke up. I got to the hospital a couple hours earlier than the scheduled time. They gave me IVs, went through a bunch of health questions, discussed rules surrounding Covid, answered any of my questions, listened to the baby’s heartbeat, monitored me for contractions, and took my vitals. My c section got pushed back because of an emergency one. When the time came, they walked me to the operating room.

It’s cold in there, and not just because they regulate the temperature for the baby’s entrance. Everything’s sterile, the room is bright, and the instruments for the surgery were extra shiny. There was also a pediatrician, my obgyn, another obgyn who was helping with the procedure, an anesthesiologist, and three nurses compacted with me in this overly bright room. Eventually my mom would join us. Luckily, everyone was pretty welcoming.

The first thing that happened was the spinal injection. You have to hunch your back for the anesthesiologist to find the right spot to inject. I felt a spark rush through my thigh that scared me and brought tears to my eyes. The rest of the injection didn’t hurt too much. Almost instantly my legs felt tingly. They lied me on the table and hooked me up to more IVs and a heart rate monitor. They told me I shouldn’t feel any pain but I would feel touching, tugging, and pulling.

They did their various tests to ensure I couldn’t feel pain. I also couldn’t feel the difference between hot or cold below my chest; the blocker really worked. As I’ve said in my previous post, I’ve suffered from nausea my whole pregnancy. I was nauseous waiting for the c-section partly because there was no food in my stomach. The epidural is known to make people nauseous. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t move my body. I couldn’t hear out of one of my ears and when I told them, they assured me it wasn’t because of the epidural, that it was probably because of the environment. I realized I was having a little panic attack.

I tried to swallow the nausea but I couldn’t. I mustered enough strength to tell the anesthesiologist I was nauseous. He handed me a bag and I proceeded to throw up in it. But I couldn’t lift my head, so I was throwing up out of the side of my mouth. I barely made it into the bag. As this is happening my mom got brought it. The procedure had already started. My hearing came back, I continued to throw up, and I tried to stay calm. My mom and the anesthesiologist checked in with me periodically to make sure I was okay.

At some point I was warned I would start to feel some tugging. I could feel it as they reached in to pull out my baby. Before I knew it I heard her crying. I felt like crying but because of the shock of the situation I couldn’t. My mom went to cut the umbilical cord and talk with the pediatrician who did a routine check up. The doctors finished closing me up. I was too nauseous to hold my daughter, but I got to see her close by once the check up was done. After the procedure, they moved me to the recovery room where I stayed with my daughter and my mom for a while. They continued tracking my vitals and those of my newborn. I still felt out of it from the procedure.

People downplay the fact a c-section is a surgery. The spinal blocker didn’t wear off until the next day. I had a catheter put in and when it was taken out the next day I had to remind myself how to pee. It hurt to laugh, sneeze and cough, sit down, stand up, walk and do anything that required abdominal muscles. It’s been about two weeks since my surgery and it still hurts to do some of those things. After a c-section you’re instructed not to do anything pretty much. You can’t push or pull anything. You can’t lift anything heavier than your baby. You can’t do housework. You can’t drive. You can’t exercise. You can’t go up and down stairs too much. For me it was hard to find a comfortable position to sleep in.

Alongside the surgery recovery, is the recovery from childbirth and adjusting to a newborn in general. You start bleeding again as your uterus begins to shrink. You can feel cramping and contractions still. The colostrum from your breasts transitions to milk. The hormones are still there. The risk of postpartum depression exists. You learn more and more about your baby and engage in taking care of them day by day.

Childbirth is a whole spectacle no matter how you delivery. A lot goes into it and the recovery. Officially it’ll take about 6 weeks to be fully recovered from the c section. This is the most in depth I could explain

Categories
End of The Year Food For Thought life Self Love and Personal Growth

2021 lessons

In 2021, I celebrated my 2020 wins. I really graduated from college. I really gave birth. I really moved states, back into my childhood home. I really started a new phase of my life.

I spent 2021 raising a newborn for the first time. In 2021, I recovered from childbirth and surgery. I can admit now that I went in and out of postpartum depression. I watched my baby grow and celebrated her first birthday. I started working again for the first time in a year, going back to a company I was working for for years. I then quit said company months later. Then, I started a new full time position elsewhere and was recently told that I am getting promoted. I was hesitant about getting vaccinated, then got vaccinated, then helped out with covid vaccination clinics. I recently got my booster shot. I saw movies in the theater for the first time in a year. I saw family and friends for the first time in (a) year(s).

2021, like every year, had its own ups and downs. I managed to meet some of the goals I set and that is worth celebrating. Every year, I have takeaways. In the last days and beginning of the year, I always reflect. These are the lessons I learned or relearned in 2021.

Be flexible

It’s beneficial to have a plan but some things happen out of the blue, regardless of prior planning. It’s just as important to be able to adjust to what life brings as it is to stick to your plans. Also, some deadlines or goals are unrealistic from the start. Sometimes we need more time. Sometimes a goal that was once achievable suddenly won’t be because of new information or life events. Release tight control on how you want things to go. Sometimes those unplanned moments can lead to something bigger and better.

Be realistic

You can do almost anything you set your mind to. Go after what you want. But also, figure out if what you want is realistic for your life. Make sure your desires are workable and not a fantasy. If they are out of reach, make adjustments to make it realistic if it is actually what you are willing to work for. Please note: it is easier to stick to a goal when you are specific, hold yourself accountable daily, and qualify it. In a way, this goes hand in hand with being flexible. It wasn’t until halfway through the year that I realized some of my goals weren’t realistic. Some of this was due to my recovery from surgery, or because of covid and my desire to be extra careful for my daughter, or because of work, or because I simply didn’t want it anymore. Coming to terms with the fact that not all of our goals are realistic is a part of life. It can actually encourage our growth and steer us in the direction of something that is actually attainable.

To do lists are helpful

Writing things down not only can remind you a task needs completing. For me, it seals the desire to do it. It’s a tangible list of what my plans are. Whether it is for a day, a week, a month, to do lists help me manage my time and encourage me to complete what I have in mind. Crossing of an item, no matter how simple, releases some serotonin.

The US is systematically flawed

If you know you know. If you don’t, I won’t be the person to convince you otherwise.

Parenting is a whirlwind

Parenting is different than I thought it would be-not in a bad way. I’ve talked about motherhood in different posts. My biggest takeaway so far is that there is no right way to parent. And as parents, no matter how much we research, we make it all up as we go along. Parenting is a different type of unconditional love. Parenting provides a new perspective for everything.

Forgiveness doesn’t have to lead to anything more

Forgiving a person for harming you is not even necessary or realistic all of the time. I believe you can heal and move on without forgiveness. Maybe one day I’ll feel differently. That being said, you can also forgive someone for what they’ve done to you, without rebuilding or reconnecting with them. People can apologize and you can accept it, but it doesn’t change what has happened. Trust doesn’t automatically restore forgiveness. You can forgive and still be done with them. I did.

All relationships take mutual effort

Relationships are give and take. And when a problem arises, it is not up to only one person to fix it, no matter who is at fault. The effort may not always be equal because our lives demand different things. However, both people should be trying to some extent.

Every relationship is different

I mention this in a separate post too. It touches on the fact that we can know the same people, but have a different view or relationship with them than the with another person, and that is okay. It also means someone being kind to you doesn’t mean they aren’t horrible to someone else.

Meet people where they are

People are who they are. Sometimes they change. Sometimes they don’t. We can’t rely on who we want them to be. We can’t rely on who we think they will be. They are who they are. If we want more out of them, it is up to us to confront them. If they don’t change, it is up to us to accept them and the relationship for what it is, or to move on. We can only control ourselves.

Balance is hard

Being a full time parent and a full time employee has taught me that balance is hard and time moves fast. It’s difficult to find the balance between commuting and working, spending time with my kid and my family, making time for friends, making time for myself and my hobbies, eating, exercising, cleaning, and relaxing. Balance is important. It is also hard. I hope to get a better handle on it in 2022.

Not everything is an excuse

Balancing is hard. Time moves quickly when there is a lot going on. Someone saying they don’t have time is not always an “excuse.” Just because you “have time” or “make the time” doesn’t mean someone else has to as well. I’ve always hated the word excuse anyways, because the word excuse is subjective in nature. A reason to me can be an excuse to you and vice versa. The difference between a reason and an excuse, in a broad sense, is someone validating whether it is a good or bad reason. When it solely involves ourselves, we are the only ones who can truly decide, if our justification is a reason or an excuse.

Overworking (grinding) is not always good

Please rest. Please plan to take a break and to sleep and reset if you can. It’s important. There are health benefits.

People project a lot

I’m pretty sure I mentioned this in last year’s end of the year post too, but people project more than I thought. A singular sentence can be thrown out there and people will come up with different conclusions because they are projecting their life experience on it. Please note: some of those experiences are rooted in objective truths- because of things like racism and misogyny and how that impacts every system put into place. Sometimes though, their projection has no merit in the reality because everyone lives different lives. I don’t have to put up with something just because you do and vice versa. You don’t have to approve of some else’s life choices for them to live the life they do. Not referring to politics or laws, not everyone will feel the same way about topics that you do, and it is unfair to project your values and thoughts on to them.

Mindset affects reality

I kind of hate this saying, but it’s true. Your thoughts can shape your reality. Life is hard and it can be hard to control your thoughts. Intrusive thoughts exist. However being negative all the time, even if the situation is negative, will make things worse. This isn’t to say you should always see the brighter side of things either. But again, balance and moderation is important.

Be intentional with your time

Even if what you’re trying to do is waste time, that is still intentional. Life speeds by and you never know what’s going to happen and when. It was a 2021 goal of mine and it led to me being more present.

There is nuance to everything

Most subjects are multidimensional. There are layers to things and in order to have a full understanding, you have to acknowledge and understand each layer. The easiest way for me to explain this would be to compare it to intersectionality. As women, life is different than men’s. But as a black woman, it’s really different than a man’s experience. Different factors influence people’s choices and realities. That’s why some situations may not always be as it is seen on the surface.

2022 is here!

2021 went by so fast; it didn’t even feel like holiday season. 2022 has started and it has already been interesting to say the least. Here’s to hoping that this year will be an improvement from the last. Here’s to the future!

Categories
Food For Thought Kinda not really life Politics

Oh ‘rona: Part II

It’s been a whole seven, eight months since I made the first post about coronavirus. Oh, how much has changed. Not corona though; it is still here. In fact, its gotten even worse in the past seven months and will probably continue to grow in intensity with Thanksgiving passing and Christmas approaching. I have many thoughts regarding this pandemic, the government’s response or lack thereof, and people’s individual responses. So here we are. Another post so I can rant.

Almost everything, if not everything, I stated in the first post I still believe. We are living through history. I’ll look back years from now and tell my daughter about what we all can collectively agree is the shit show of 2020. These past seven months in the United States have been a whole mess for a variety of reasons. There’s fear in being unsure of how long it will take to clean all of it up. Let’s focus on the coronavirus part of it though. 

When corona first hit the US and places were starting to close, I felt differently about this whole pandemic. I still thought it was terrible, but I understood why essential businesses were open. I understood why my place of employment was open. I understood people’s concerns of the economy crashing. I understood the hesitation to accept what felt like the world ending because our world was experiencing something most haven’t before. Although I wholeheartedly disagreed with people who didn’t believe it existed, I, like many, didn’t fully understand the severity of it. Regardless, I took it seriously. I only saw one person outside of my job and my household. I wore masks and sanitized frequently. I figured it would be eradicated within a couple of months. I was wrong about corona’s presence diminishing.

According to the CDC website as of November 18th, at 1:07 pm, there have been 11,300,635 cases. There have been 247,834 deaths related to coronavirus. As of December 6th, the number of cases increased to 14.462,527 with 280,135 deaths. That’s about a 3,000,000 increase in cases and over 30,000 deaths in just under three weeks. In one day, about 260,000 more cases were reported along with a little over 2,300 deaths. These are the numbers since the states began reporting in late January. They might be higher. 

Why has this happened? I say there are three main reasons: government response, the spread of misinformation, and people’s personal choices. 

Government Response

At first, I thought Trump was simply unsure of how to handle the whole pandemic thing but would figure it out. When the US found out he actually knew the severity of coronavirus when it was first known to be in the US in January, we learned he chose to do very little to nothing. Mind you, it wasn’t until mid March that coronavirus was established as a national emergency. March, about a month and a half later after it was first established in the US, is when states began to shutdown.

In these past eightish months, Trump told people corona was a hoax, knowing it wasn’t. He went against the advice of and aimed to discredit experts. He refused to wear a mask, and told people he didn’t think it was necessary. He made a pandemic a political chess piece to use in his re-election campaign. It became apparent he, and other members of the government who found time to dabble in the stock market with information of Covid, didn’t and don’t care about the effect of the virus on the country and its citizens. Even after Trump caught it and supposedly recovered, due to the fact he has the best access to doctors and healthcare in the US, he didn’t care. He said it wasn’t that bad and prioritized the economy over people’s lives. He couldn’t admit he was wrong to downplay the pandemic.

Instead of Trump and the government prioritizing citizens, they prioritized money, re-election, and their own self-interests. In these eight months since states began locking down, some in the US have only received $1,200. For a while, some of the unemployed received an additional $600 with their unemployment checks, but that stopped at the end of July. People still remained unemployed due to the pandemic. People were still getting less hours at work. People still had bills to pay and themselves to feed. Other countries’ citizens received more than this and got a handle of the virus.

Some states began slowly reopening some time in May. That’s about two months of a shelter in place order. Not every state required masks at any time during the pandemic. Over time, pretty much everywhere in the US began at least lightly reopening. Let’s face it, eight months is a long time to be stuck in the house. Naturally people were getting restless and when their county began opening up, they also individually eased up on the precautions they had because of a false sense of security. Some traveled between counties and states if they could or needed to, some went to the nail or hair salon, people began eating in restaurants, others started going to the gym and so on. Schools reopened and people went back to work in their offices. Sports decided to risk it all and come back on television and Covid became a normal thing. 

I will say that, for all intents and purposes, for many, shelter in place never completely meant never leaving the house, and understandably so. I am guilty of this as well. Some people cannot work at home. Not everyone was or is able to stop working. People go to work because they have bills to pay; some even have or will work knowing they have coronavirus. Not every state froze rent or bills, and even those that did still expect payments to cover it in the future. People still go out to the grocery store or to pick up food, and understandably so. Ya need to eat. People still take walks or spend time in nature. People still go to the doctor’s office or the hospital. Not everyone has the opportunity to completely stay home. These actions cannot be faulted. Sheltering in place is about not going anywhere you don’t have to be at, social distancing from everyone outside of your household and workplace, and taking necessary precautions in the places you go.

As seven months went on, a sense of “normalcy” came back. People stopped social distancing intensely, if they ever did, whether by force or not, and cases only continued to go up. Now, in December, cases per day are increasing drastically across the country. This week we will probably continue to see a surge in cases because of people who did not social distance for Thanksgiving. People have and are struggling with the decision between staying home for the holidays or traveling/meeting up with their families. Experts are urging people to stay home. The federal government isn’t saying much.

People’s Thoughts and The Spread of Misinformation 

As much as I would love to say we are where we are now with Covid solely because of the government, that’s not true. They set the precedent and the standards, but other factors have influenced this outcome. The spread of misinformation through social media and less than factual news sources as well as a lack of education are playing a role too, though this can also be credited back to Trump.

Nonbelievers and those who are lax about the of the severity of corona like to compare Covid to the flu to support their claim. It’s easier to visualize something that is unknown when you compare it to something that is known. The comparison was meant to exist as a base level understanding, not a full description encompassing every part of Covid. “The flu is not that bad,” or “the death rate for the flu is higher and it’s not a big deal,” are rationales people spread without considering that the flu has been around, has a working vaccine out that enough of the population takes, and the fact that viruses affect everyone differently. They also do not take into account that, for example, one percent of a million is still ten thousand. Applying this math to our population will equal an outrageous amount of people dying from a single source that could have been controllable.

As far as education goes, we are learning more about coronavirus as time goes on. Coronavirus is contagious and spread through droplets. You’re more likely to get it when in close contact with people. You can test negative for coronavirus but still have it. Testing negative just means at the time you took the test you did not have it. If you know you were exposed, you should still actively social distance and get tested within 10 days. Tests also aren’t perfect, which is why being mindful of social distancing is important whether you are negative or positive. Being asymptomatic means you won’t develop symptoms, it doesn’t mean you can’t spread the virus. Social distancing is being pushed so hard because you could have it, spread it to others, who spread it to others, who spread it to others etc. and not know, which is why large gatherings are still frowned upon.

It is also easy to forget the strain this disease is putting on hospitals and healthcare workers. Some have left because the experience has been overwhelming and traumatizing. Some have gotten sick caring for others. Most are overworked, risking their health and lives to do their job while the country carelessly makes their jobs harder. Coronavirus has made it seem like the world has stopped, but it evidently has not. People are still hospitalized for non-coronavirus related health concerns. As the number of cases grow, hospitals will not have enough beds for everyone who needs one.

For me, the scariest part about coronavirus is the fact that a severe case can mean being in a hospital for months and potentially dying, but surviving even a more mild case can mean dealing with pre-existing conditions. We do not know all of the long term affects of the virus, because long term hasn’t happened yet. As someone who already has a pre-existing condition, technically two throughout this pandemic because of pregnancy, I would not like to willingly pile on more. The idea of living with brain fog, heart and lung problems, and who knows what else is unappealing to me. I also don’t want to put my baby or my family at risk. I don’t want the people they come in contact with at work or the grocery store to be at risk. I don’t want to put my doctor, the nurses, or a stranger at my doctor’s office at risk. I’m not saying I have been a saint, but it is why I choose to let it affect my daily life. Since I am able to right now, it’s why I stay home unless I can’t.

The nonbelievers spread their beliefs, much as I am now, but rely on the politicization of the virus. Coronavirus was and is bigotedly referred to as the “China virus” as if it that isn’t xenophobic, as if it hasn’t affected every country in the world. As if blaming China for this virus will change the fact that it is here. Like we don’t blame the ocean for hurricanes, why are we blaming a country for a disease? 

Nonbelievers have compared mask mandates to the government stepping on people’s freedoms and the difficulty breathing while wearing masks to unarmed black people dying by the hands of police. Honestly, Covid is a nuisance and wearing a mask is an inconvenience, but if it means protecting people’s lives, I don’t understand what all the fuss is about (aside from the fact some government officials set it up this way). People even claim Covid is a distraction from some hidden agenda and that it is a way for liberals to push universal healthcare. A worldwide health crisis became something to be debated among American politics. It’s a mess.

Nonbelievers and people who don’t want a shutdown again, tend to believe all of this is fearmongering. They tell people to get over it. They say wearing masks makes people sheep as if we don’t follow basic traffic rules everyday because it’s the law. They claim taking precautions are cowardly and say we can’t let this virus run our lives. They push herd immunity and say if you feel unsafe you should take the necessary precautions but fail to realize I or anyone can do everything “right,” but still end up sick because someone else was not being cautious. Some people think coronavirus does not exist or is being hyped up because they haven’t had it or known anyone who has. Some have had coronavirus and gotten better, saying it is overdramatized. Some have it, are dying, and still say coronavirus isn’t real or a big deal. This pandemic has made me realize how selfish we Americans can be in the name “freedom.”

14,000,000, as well as 280,000, are large numbers, so it can create a dissonance, apparently even if you are and, or know someone who is counted into those numbers. Those numbers can seem like “not a big deal” if you want to continue on with your life without regard for anyone else. People have become so desperate to “return back to normal” that they fail to realize they are making living with a pandemic normal. It is something I think about daily because it frustrates and annoys me. There are so many active cases that it’s becoming harder not to get the virus. You can really social distance, sanitize frequently, and wear a mask and still get sick because a coworker, a fellow customer, or an infected employee who needs the money, wasn’t doing the same. It didn’t have to get this bad.

Personal Choices

I’m not gonna lie. Telling people the best way not to catch or spread the virus is social distancing gives of “the safest sex is abstinence” vibes. Naturally, not everyone can be in the house 24/7, only surrounded by their household, especially for over seven months. Isolating can be damaging to mental health, especially if you’ve been doing it since the beginning. However, when you keep in mind the safety of yourself, the people you love, and strangers you encounter, it doesn’t make sense to me why people are so against another, hopefully a more sincere, lockdown. If we’re being honest, most states never had a real lockdown. It leads me to question what people are doing, other than working, that would lead them to be upset about a lockdown.

Even though I am not getting restless with social distancing partly because I live with my family, I understand why people are. I understand the desire to be physically close to loved ones, to travel, to party, and to pretend like the virus doesn’t exist. Some are getting tired of being restricted. Being over it doesn’t mean it’s over though. Being careless with your actions because you want to move on with your life doesn’t free you from putting people at risk. Covid exists and will continue to until we all get it together. It’s easy to excuse your actions when it’s something you want to do. It’s gotten to the point where I and people who are isolating outside of the necessities feel ridiculous because we see people who aren’t. Clearly not everyone is taking the necessary precautions and too many people have thought they have “taken the necessary precautions” but were probably asymptomatic because otherwise cases wouldn’t be getting worse.

Our personal choices have affected and will continue to affect what is happening with the pandemic. How much we decide to learn about coronavirus, what we think about the virus, and how the government, shoutout Mitch McConnell, continues to act will all influence what you and I decide to do. It is unfair that the government prioritized jobs and the economy over everything else. It is fucked up that people are being asked to keep their distance from their friends, parents, grandparents, etc., but are expected to work or not get paid. There are ways to keep a small circle of people you see safely or see family safely, as long as you’re all on the same page and honest about how you are operating during the pandemic. All of this doesn’t change that social distancing and stay at home orders are being advised for a reason. It is just as true to say people catch coronavirus at work as it is to say people catch it during their off times. Pretending like everyone catches coronavirus at work and no one catches coronavirus by meeting up with family and friends or traveling is false. It’s why there have been increases in cases after every maskless Trump rally and after every holiday.

Us choosing to wear a mask or argue about it, meeting up with people because with think it’s safe versus going without, traveling across the state or country when we don’t have to, going to parties, the club, the bars or wherever just because it’s open, and accidently mass gathering in public places when we want to get out of the house, will all have an affect how much longer this pandemic goes on. We individually are not necessarily the cause of where we are with Covid in the US, but we are individually either hindering the progress or helping it. Are you willingly choosing to live with a pandemic or are you choosing to help flatten the curve?

My Final Thoughts

In the time I drafted this to December 4th, my mom got exposed to Covid and spent Thanksgiving quarantined alone in her room in case she caught it. She runs a community health care clinic and got exposed by someone else who works there. That person recently had a family reunion and that’s where they contracted it. They didn’t know they had it so continued to work up until finding out. This is what I mean when I say someone can socially distance and still get sick because of someone else’s actions.

We’re fortunate because that person was showing enough symptoms to know something was off. We’re fortunate because that person got tested. We’re fortunate because my mom and that person were both wearing masks when they carpooled. My mom thankfully tested negative. Masks do make a difference. Our own choices do matter.

I wish those who run the country would understand how interconnected this all is. The economy cannot improve without the stability of the people who live here. We, the people, make the economy grow and I only mention this because the economy seems to be of utmost importance to them. If that’s the case, then people are also important! We are important! Supporting us through stimulus checks, paying us to stay home, and paying small businesses to help them stay afloat, will ultimately benefit the country more than it will harm it. The idea that “handouts” or “helping us” is stupid because the government and its officials are meant to serve us, the people, not corporations. Getting control of the virus to lessen the load on hospitals, to keep businesses open, and to allow people to return safely back to work, will benefit the country more than pretending it doesn’t exist and attempting to continue on. The health crisis, the economy, and government leadership are all interconnected and help shape how we as a society will get through this. It does start with us, but the government needs to get it together too. Their lack of support and guidance is the main reason we are in the position we are in today.

There’s been so much on my mind regarding Covid and I’m not even sure this encompasses it all. Seeing people’s selfishness and inability to emphasize or even sympathize with others has been disheartening. Hopefully, this will be my last post about Covid, but the way this has been going it probably won’t be.